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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29363871">bright side of the moon</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightSen/pseuds/NightSen'>NightSen</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Ben Solo Doesn't Turn to the Dark Side, F/M, No beta I'm stubborn, Time Travel</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-05-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:46:52</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>28,166</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29363871</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightSen/pseuds/NightSen</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>He doesn’t know how long he was dead —how long he floated as nothing, finally no one who had to live up to some great legacy— but suddenly, he wasn’t. </p><p>He wasn’t dead anymore. </p><p>Ben Solo opened his eyes…</p><p>And whined.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>141</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>309</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. A Second Chance</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>This work is the product of me reading way too much isekai. </p><p>I'd been itching to do something like this; I wanted to name this fic something like The Villain Goes Back in Time to Fix Things in honor of the shitty titles in isekai, but then I thought... my pride. </p><p>I hope you enjoy this!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He thought he was finally dead.</p><p>Life had been a burden most of his existence, or at least it seemed like it. Always carrying anger or hurt, always looking to be worthy of something or someone but never quite getting there.</p><p>It hurt, obviously, thinking that after finally finding the only person in the entire universe who could understand him he could only die. That his was a life so devoid of love or hope that whatever Maker existed determined that the only way he could find peace would be through eternal rest.</p><p>At least his death was a worthy one. He sacrificed the last of his energy to save the only person who’d ever mattered, and his death at least —it was painless. Like floating in the middle of nothingness, where his body was immaterial and his sins had been erased. Unlike his every waking moment, at least then he managed to settle his heart and die what he could not be while he lived: a hero.</p><p>He doesn’t know how long he was dead —how long he floated as nothing, finally no one who had to live up to some great legacy— but suddenly, he wasn’t.</p><p>He wasn’t dead anymore.</p><p>Ben Solo opened his eyes…</p><p>And whined.</p><hr/><p><em>Just my fucking luck</em>, Ben grumbled to himself as he brought his hands up to dig his palms into his eyes, warding off against the incoming headache. The memories were incoming, one after another —fresher, rawer and just as annoying as the first time he lived through them. He kept hearing the latest whispers from Palpatine coiling around his heart, seeing the disappointed sighs leaving Luke’s lips as his nephew threw another tantrum in private, the longing in his soul to have at least one parent visit him in the Jedi Praxeum.</p><p>As he heard the rest of his uncle’s pupils wake up and shift around in their tents, Ben sat up with a long groan. His chrono was blaring annoyingly that it was time to get the <em>fuck</em> up, and without thinking much about it he extended a hand out and crushed it with the Force. Nothing had the right to be so shrill at o’five-hundred standard hours.</p><p>Shifting, Ben swung his legs around so his feet were touching the ground, his hands gripping the edge of the bed. He felt wound tight, like he needed something to hold onto so he wouldn’t fly away again. He had so many feelings and memories swirling in his head he couldn’t quite land on any single thought, and as such he wasn’t even sure of who or where he was.</p><p>There was a rustling, and then an old face popped in with the tent’s flap risen over his head —it was Tai.</p><p>Ben’s air left his lungs.</p><p>“What are you doing— Ben? What’s wrong?” Tai’s kind blue eyes narrowed in worry, and Tai didn’t waste a single moment before he was kneeling on the floor in front of his old friend. A fellow human, he and Ben used to joke that they were polar opposites —dark and light, moody and friendly, luscious hair and bald.</p><p>The two had been such close friends that Tai could tell through the Force how Ben was feeling, no matter how hard the moody boy tried to hide it. Right now, there was a storm brewing inside of Ben Solo, but it was strangely unlike any emotional episode Ben had displayed during their time together. Which weren’t many, mind you; Ben was excellent at suppressing himself around everyone else, but sometimes there was a spark of <em>something</em>. As if he was only waiting for the slightest thing to set him off.</p><p>And Ben, he couldn’t believe he was seeing Tai again after seven years. Healthy, good, <em>alive</em>. His death at the hands of the knight Ren seemed so long ago, and now —it was almost too much for Ben, who before waking up had lost nearly everyone he’d ever cared about.</p><p>“You’re alive,” Ben breathed, unable to help himself. His eyes flickered up and down over his friend, needing to confirm with his own eyes that he <em>hadn’t</em> been killed. That his terrible mistakes hadn’t followed him into whatever this second chance was.</p><p>“Did you have another nightmare?” Tai flinched, knowing how realistic these were for his friend; he cast Ben a sympathetic glance, recalling all the times he’d wake up due to Ben moaning and crying in the middle of the night, back when they roomed together. Tai never did ask what the nightmares were about, but he could imagine they were nothing worth talking about.</p><p>“A nightmare,” Ben breathed, willing to believe that the last few years of his life had been that —a bad dream that ended with the death of his parents and uncle, with his demons being defeated and eternal death. But, he knew better; those weren’t dreams, too harrowing to be anything but reality. “No, I just…” Ben shook his head. He looked at the young face of his friend, thinking how young they were back then. “What day is it?”</p><p>Casting him a worried look, Tai stood up and parroted the day and year, unknowingly freezing the blood in Ben’s veins.</p><p>The sun was barely rising, and the cold that enveloped him was the type unburdened by sunlight. He felt his ears beating to some unknown pulse, as though his blood was begging to be let out through <em>some</em> outlet. Nausea rumbled in the pit of his stomach.</p><p>Today was the day he almost killed Luke Skywalker, and the day a storm annihilated nearly the whole Jedi Order. He’d convinced himself for a long time that he’d had nothing to do with the storm, but the truth was that night there had been clear skies. He’d been the only one to blame, he now knew.</p><p>There was no time to think, to process what was going on and what this meant for him. Whether indeed this was all a dream or if he’d gotten his late night tea spiked with spice, it mattered very little. If there was even the slightest chance that he could stop this tragedy from occurring —all of it— maybe things would be better.</p><p>“Tai,” Ben said, holding a hand out and summoning his lightsaber. Tai’s eyes widened, and he took half a step back as Ben stood to his full height. They’d just seen each other the previous day, but all of a sudden Ben looked older —as if he’d seen the future and had been beaten down by it. “There’s something I need you to do.”</p><p>Tai blinked, confused about the sudden clarity in Ben’s emotions. He wasn’t a whirlwind anymore, but rather focused like he very rarely achieved during meditation.</p><p>“What is it?”</p><p>“I need you to to take everyone to the Palace of the Woolamander for meditation. I need to talk with Master Skywalker,” the old title felt bitter in his mouth, but he knew if he acted more suspicious than this Tai wouldn’t agree. And he <em>needed</em> to talk with his uncle, but he didn’t always trust his temper. He couldn’t afford more deaths on his conscience.</p><p>“You’re aware that Hennix, Voe and I are leaving on a mission in a few hours, right?” Tai asked, frowning.</p><p>“I know that.” How could he forget? It was the reason why they’d survived. “<em>Please</em>, I’ll explain when I can but… Help me, Tai.”</p><p>Shocked, Tai could only nod dumbly as he saw his friend breathe a sigh of relief. Ben tugged on his boots wordlessly and clasped his lightsaber at his hip, feeling like he needed his heart to stop squeezing every time he turned to look at Tai.</p><p>It was just…</p><p>He was <em>alive</em>.</p><p>Fighting back tears, Ben clasped his old friend’s shoulder for a beat before letting go and stomping out of his hut.</p><p>He had a bone to pick with his uncle.</p><hr/><p>Ben found Luke Skywalker in the middle of meditation; he had a straight back, and he was alone in the center of the room. Before Ben could even get one word out his uncle raised his prosthetic hand, turning to look at his nephew over his shoulder.</p><p>“You have Ben Solo’s signature Force energy,” Luke said, closing his fake hand and lowering it slowly. His eyes were wise, tired. “But I can tell you’re not the Ben I know.”</p><p>Of course.</p><p>Fucking <em>Luke</em> could tell.</p><p>“Come, sit. Let us talk.”</p><p>Glaring, Ben stepped around his old master and came to sit down in front of him.</p><p>Death hadn’t made him all that more lenient towards the man who would’ve killed him in his sleep.</p><p>“Who are you?” Luke pointedly asked, his sky blue eyes roaming his nephew from head to toe, eyes narrowed deep in thought. He was looking at his nephew’s face, but it seemed… different. Aged, though only a few hours had passed since he’d last seen him.</p><p>How odd.</p><p>“I’m…” Ben frowned, realizing just how many years it had truly been since he’d given up the mantle of his birth name. It was right around now, in fact. “Ben Solo. Reborn, if I had to guess. Or I went back in time, maybe.”</p><p>He couldn’t hide it from Luke, especially if he hoped to avoid the same mistakes that led him to Snoke.</p><p>Luke allowed himself the tiniest frown before motioning for his apprentice to explain himself.</p><p>So time went on and Ben did his best to explain the last seven years of his life. Luke’s failures, Snoke’s whispers (“Your master thinks of you as a child. Someday he will realize your true capabilities.”), the Jedi’s downfall, the First Order, killing Han Solo and Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa and Sheev Palpatine. There was only one person he left out of this tale, and it was because of how badly he needed to keep <em>something</em> to himself.</p><p>Something good.</p><p>By the end of his tale, Ben was ready to fight his old master to prove his honesty. It was why he’d sent away the younger ones, after all; mostly because he’d thought he would blow up at his uncle, but also because he wanted to beat Skywalker’s ass without another thought if the opportunity presented itself.</p><p>It turned out, however, that Ben had no more anger left to stoke.</p><p>Here, in Yavin 4 seven years before his death, all Ben could think about was what a waste it had all been. All the fighting, the angst, the fury that dominated his every waking moment… And for what? An illusion for power, which he gave up when he had nothing else to lose.</p><p>He’d lost it all for a thing which he hadn’t even earned and much less enjoyed.</p><p>“I can’t believe I failed you so horribly, Ben,” Luke ran a hand down his haggard face, his eyes astonished. He was here, but he was also far away imagining a future which had come to pass. “I mean, I <em>have</em> been worried about the dark shadows that cling to you, but… That I’d even <em>raise</em> my lightsaber at you…”</p><p>And Ben, he understood now.</p><p>He’d been so furious then, so hurt because to him Master Skywalker had been a symbol of everything good in the world —no, not only a symbol but <em>family</em>. And in those eyes, he’d been no better than a monster.</p><p>Now, after all the losses and pain Ben could clearly see that this was <em>just</em> a man —an outstanding one for certain, but one whose fuck-ups were undeniable. This, understandably, lifted a terrible burden from his shoulders.</p><p>Luke Skywalker was no longer a symbol of peace, a Rebellion hero, the perfect son.</p><p>He was just… Luke.</p><p>Just like he was nothing other than Ben Solo, at least here in the past.</p><p>“I hope you understand why I’ve come to give up my place among the Jedi. I cannot risk becoming a weapon for Darth Sidious, and I need you to do a better job in keeping an eye out on the children. Snoke… He made it clear I wasn’t the only one under his influence. We must root him out.”</p><p>Luke frowned, aggravated by all he’d heard. It kept swirling through his mind, how to tell his twin sister of his failure; how to come to terms with it himself, now that Ben was even going to leave the Praxeum.</p><p>“Well then what will you do, Ben? Where will you go?” Luke asked, resting both hands on his knees. His posture wasn’t so straight anymore, and the sun was well up in the sky by this hour. No fighting had ensued, which was a small blessing amid all this chaos.</p><p>Ben didn’t know what to say, not really.</p><p>He shrugged.</p><p>“For now? Home.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. May the Force Be With You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Han Solo received a comm from his brother-in-law telling him to come pick up his son, the ex-smuggler was weary to say the least. He was on a job with Chewie, and the two briefly discussed the possibility of Han and Ben needing father-son time; they quickly came to the agreement that whatever the boy had to say could be said in front of either man, for at the end of the day, no secrets were kept between them.</p><p>So while Chewie called Leia to update her on their new timeline (always make the Wookiee break the bad news first) Han set the new coordinates and again messaged his wife to let her know he’d be coming back sooner than planned.</p><p>"What do you think this is about, huh?" Han asked his oldest friend, leaning back in the pilot’s seat. To be honest, they’d had quite a big lunch and now kept leaning back to make space for their bellies.</p><p>Hoping that if they passed gas, the feeling would go away.</p><p>Chewie groaned out that he had no idea.</p><p>"Do you think maybe he got into trouble? I mean, even that time Ben nearly cut off Luke’s other hand we only found out accidentally. So— Alright I get it, I’ll stop worrying," Han muttered, shifting from one butt cheek to the other. "For now."</p><hr/><p>"I can’t believe you’re leaving the Order, Solo," Hennix shook his head in astonishment at what seemed like the craziest idea he’d ever heard. It truly was, to the Quarren; besides Master Skywalker, he’d never seen someone who was more talented with the Force, and he was no pushover.</p><p>The news had come right as he, Voe and Tai were guiding the younger apprentices back to the temple, anxious to set off on their mission. However, they’d found Ben in the middle of hauling his duffle bag (which they were confident contained mostly calligraphy sets and old books) to the front of the main temple, which was on their way to the <em>Verity</em>.</p><p>Briefly, and avoiding their eyes, Ben had explained he was going back home.</p><p>“What happened?” Voe, who was always itching to fight with Ben, seemed to be troubled as well. She had a fiery temper and couldn’t stand having Solo win over her in every fight, so Hennix imagined that she was only upset she wouldn’t get the chance to best him in battle.</p><p>However, instead of brushing Voe off (as Ben was prone to do) he turned slightly to her with what seemed like a patient gaze.</p><p>“I’m not cut out for this life. I’m simply rectifying a mistake.”</p><p>It was a cryptic reply, but already much more honest than Ben Solo had ever been with anyone besides Tai. He wasn’t trying to gain the upper hand, or trying to set up his own order or trying to gain riches and women. He was just… done. Everyone could tell.</p><p>What <em>happened</em> in the last twelve hours they didn’t see him?</p><p>Yesterday, there was no youth in the twenty-three year old, no desire to be part of something bigger than himself, no life. Right now, even if Ben still had the same bags under his eyes and was far from a chatterbox, there was something just so —<em>dignified</em> about him. Resolute. As though whatever demon he’d been fighting was now defeated. Still, he still had that air about him —like there was just this thing he was missing.</p><p>“And Master Skywalker just let you walk out?” Voe frowned, mission forgotten. She was losing a sparring partner and a fellow Jedi; she didn’t even think it was possible, what with how the Order was a lifetime commitment. “That’s favoritism if I’ve ever seen it.”</p><p>Voe was expecting Solo to gaze at her with the same indifferent arrogance she was used to. As if she was nothing more than a pebble in his shoe he couldn’t shake out. Instead, she thought she saw the corner of his lips twitch, as if he was holding back a smile.</p><p>What the fuck.</p><p>“I’ll miss you, Voe,” Ben said, not saying that he already <em>had</em> missed her. For all their bickering and her inferiority complex, Ben had enjoyed feeling like he had a little sister to teach. The guilt over her death… it was still there, but knowing he had this chance to make things right was like having the opportunity to rectify your mistakes. A <em>real</em> chance.</p><p>“Did someone finally slip something in his tea?” Voe looked at Hennix and Tai, who shrugged and shook their head no.</p><p>Ben grabbed his things, feeling his father and Chewie approach.</p><p>“I’ll miss you guys. Truly.”</p><p>He didn’t cry or say a heartfelt goodbye. Instead, he managed to walk a few meters before he felt Tai run up to him, clinging to him by the neck.</p><p>“Tell me the truth, Ben. What’s going on?”</p><p>The <em>Millennium Falcon</em> was landing, beautiful piece of junk that it was. Ben was glad to see it, though he was going to have to warn his father that Ducain would try to steal it any day now.</p><p>“I had a dream,” Ben said, just loud enough to be heard over the wind. “I gave into the dark side and dragged everyone down with me. I cannot let that happen.”</p><p>Tai frowned.</p><p>“But that’s just a dream.”</p><p>Ben shrugged.</p><p>“Take care of everyone, Tai. You were the only one who… who could see the shadows in me. I trust you to keep an eye out. I’ll try comming you as often as I can.”</p><p>Before Ben could take another step forward, Tai grabbed him by the elbow. He waited until Ben made eye contact to give him a hesitant smile, blue eyes flittering over him with a million questions which would go unanswered.</p><p>“Be great, my friend. May the Force be with you.”</p><p>At this, Ben managed to smile back —crooked teeth and all.</p><p>“May the Force be with you.”</p><hr/><p>Inside, the Falcon was as decrepit as always. It had truly been years since Ben last set foot in his father’s ship, but it was exactly as he remembered —well, definitely dirtier.</p><p>“What a piece of junk,” Ben muttered to himself, feeling as the Falcon didn’t wait even a moment before taking off. Han had always said being near so many Force sensitive kids made his skin crawl, and Chewie had always backed this up.</p><p>Stalling for time, Ben went to leave his duffle bag to what used to be his room, right in front of the captain’s quarters. Feeling like he was swallowing sand, he pushed his door open: everything was exactly as he remembered.</p><p>He hadn’t known it would be his last trip home, those months before he renounced the Jedi Order; his father had come to pick him up so they could spend a rare dinner as a family, only to have it end in the typical fight between Han and Leia over (surprise!) Han’s wanderlust. Ben had been so furious he’d simply stormed silently to his old bedroom, leaving his food untouched. He regretted it immediately, as he always did. Both coming home and stomping away.</p><p>Tai had swung by for him a day later (thank the Maker for the Hydian Way), and so Ben had left in the middle of the night after leaving a short note saying he was going back to Yavin 4.</p><p>Now, Ben could see he’d left a book on his made bed about Mandalorian history. Han hadn’t touched his room since.</p><p>Sighing to himself, Ben dropped the bag next to the door and then shut it, making his way as slowly as he could to the captain’s cabin. He was still wearing his Jedi gear, and it felt much too strange when he’d renounced this way of life many years ago. Still, he threw his shoulders back as he reached the front of the ship —only to be assaulted by a mass of hair.</p><p><em>Oomph</em>.</p><p>Embraced by the gigantic Wookiee, Ben tried his best to breathe through the tight grip his father’s oldest friend had him in. He couldn’t really reach around to return the hug because his arms were restrained, but Ben felt peaceful; it had been a long time, too, since he’d been liked by this man. It felt good, knowing that the bridges he’d burnt had been reconstructed. The warmth surrounding him was as old as time itself —someone glad to see you, who loved you because you were family.</p><p>“Hey Uncle Chewie,” Ben mumbled, unable to keep the emotion from seeping into his voice. The last time he’d seen the old man, he’d been run through with an arrow; this encounter was radically different, and Ben would do his best to not have things repeat themselves.</p><p><em>Hello Small One</em>, Chewie greeted, unceremoniously dumping Ben back on the ground. <em>Have you caused trouble?</em></p><p>It was really quite lucky that he and Han were on their way from dropping off a package at Praadost, what with how urgent the comm had sounded.</p><p>Chewbacca steadied himself for the huffing retort that usually followed whenever someone teased Ben, but the young Jedi let him off with only an eye-roll.</p><p>“Would I be my father’s son otherwise?” Ben asked, stunning the Wookiee.</p><p>Did Ben Solo… <em>Not</em> have a stick up his ass?</p><p>Confused, Chewbacca watched as his best friend’s son moved past him and into the captain’s cabin to greet Han. What the hell?</p><p>Always the sensible friend, Chewie decided to go check on whatever took him furthest from the Solos.</p><p>“Kid!” Han turned around quickly, as if startled out of his thoughts. He’d been standing with his arms crossed while looking at the stars, trying like hell to pretend he hadn’t been listening in on Ben and Chewie’s conversation.</p><p>Then again, he’d never been a subtle man.</p><p>There was a moment —brief though it might have been— where all Ben Solo could see was his father’s hand reaching out to cradle his cheek, only to die after being run through with his lightsaber. He saw an older face, one which had grown haggard with worry and premature grief for a lost son.</p><p>That’s when Ben knew, looking at this younger and hesitant face, that he had to let go of the past. His father had died not to bring him back to the right side of history, but to bring him <em>home</em>. Yes, his parents had given him a shitty, lonely childhood, but —also a lot of love. It had been Snoke who’d taken care to drive the good memories out of his head so he could focus on the hurt.</p><p>Only, neither Snoke nor Palpatine could erase Han Solo’s sacrifice; nothing could.</p><p>The same way he’d let go of his anger in the rain, only hours before his death, now Ben decided to give his parents the opportunity to be what he needed them to be.</p><p>Starting now.</p><p>“<em>Dad</em>,” Ben breathed, unable to keep his tears from leaking, his eye from twitching, his lips from trembling.</p><p>“Son, what’s wrong?” Han’s arms quickly unfolded as he took a couple of steps towards his kid, his eyes quickly flitting across his face and body for any signs of injury. Seeing none, he furrowed his brow and searched his son’s eyes. “Ben?”</p><p>His breath hitched at hearing that name —before today, the last time he’d heard his father call him by his true name…</p><p>Hunching his shoulders, Ben walked the remaining step until he was standing right in front of Han, as always only a couple of inches taller.</p><p>Ben hugged Han so tightly that Chewie would’ve been proud.</p><p>For a moment, Ben thought that this would feel weird. He and his father had always been quite awkward with physical affection, since one did not know how to give it and the other how to receive it.</p><p>At the end of the day, Ben was only human though, and he couldn’t hold back the need to cry into his father’s neck.</p><p>Contrary to Han’s coarse nature, all the older man did was pat his son on the back, not complaining about how tightly he was being held. Being like this —fatherly— it didn’t come easy or natural to Han, but even he could see how much he was needed right now.</p><p>And if there was one person in the galaxy he would do anything for, it was this kid.</p><p>“It’s ok, kid,” Han kept saying, even as Ben’s grip got tighter and his leather jacket got wetter. He just kept patting, figuring that if he wasn’t being pushed away this was at least not the wrong thing to do.</p><p>And Ben Solo cried, because for all he’d lost, he still had this.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hey folks! Just wanted to let you know that as soon as I have an update schedule I'll let y'all know. Kinda swamped right now though, so I don't make any promises. </p><p>Also, I'll weave in a little Star Wars cannon with my remake, so not everything's as made up as it seems. :P</p><p>Thanks for reading!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Emperor's New Clothes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy March folks! Time's flying by. I also just wanted to reassure everyone that Rey will be introduced very soon, but first I needed to set the scene. I usually don't take so long in introducing our ML and FL, but well, there's a first for everything. </p><p>Thanks for reading!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>After bawling his eyes out, Han sent Ben to ‘sleep it off’ in his room.</p><p>Could you sleep away grief and relief?</p><p>He didn’t know, but he was willing to try as he laid down on his bed.</p><p>Still, Ben was grateful because this meant he didn’t have to explain himself. Han would always be unfailingly himself, and if there was one thing the man didn’t need it was explanations.</p><p><b><em>“Where have you been?”</em></b> A voice slithered past his mental walls, chilling him.</p><p>It was Snoke.</p><p>For a moment, his heart raced to fast and so hard he thought he would faint. He <em>hated</em> this voice; it represented everything that had ever been wrong in his life, every lie he’d ever believed. He wanted no part of it, not even for the sake of universal peace.</p><p>“Out,” Ben deadpanned. “Spring is here, you know. Thought I’d see the flowers.”</p><p>There was a pause, one where Ben could almost hear the cogs whirling in the tiny collective that was Palpatine. They (for in a way, it was Snoke and Palpatine doing this) thought of the best way to reply to their insolent ‘friend’, knowing the first order of business was assessing their enemy.</p><p><b><em>“You are not in Luke Skywalker’s Jedi Praxeum, young Solo,”</em></b> the voice hissed, displeased.</p><p>No shit.</p><p>“I am not, nor will I be returning,” Ben tried to inject his voice with the most arrogance he could. Before the voice could screech at him, he continued to explain. “I am a Jedi no more. I’ve learned all I could from my uncle.”</p><p>There was an even longer pause this time.</p><p>Weighing whether the statement would benefit the cause or harm it.</p><p><b><em>“I do not sense conflict within you,”</em></b> Snoke finally settled on, perhaps because it was the only truth he could grasp. Where there had been turmoil, there was now clarity; where there was anger, now there was peace.</p><p>But for whose sake?</p><p>“There is none,” Ben agreed, but he did not elaborate. “I am taking a little… vacation. Let’s talk then.”</p><p>And then he built walls so high and so impenetrable that Snoke would not be able to contact him again, unless Ben chose it.</p><p>If he had anything to say about it, he would never choose it.</p><p>Not again.</p>
<hr/><p>After a series of shenanigans and near-death experiences, Han set up shop as the owner of a shipping company —when he wasn’t being the vigilant boss (all too aware of the reality of the world) he could be seen racing for charity or, on the down-low, doing favors for old friends.</p><p>This meant that growing up, Ben had been looking forward to being a pilot like his father; this dream had only been dashed when his powers had started getting out of control and his parents had sent him off to Luke (refer to his life story to know how <em>that</em> turned out).</p><p>While at the Praxeum, Ben hadn’t been allowed much contact with his parents except on special occasions. Still, he was a kid with a holopad —the very least he could do was research into his father’s company and analyze its weak and strong points, learning business theory along the way. This was facilitated by the natural affinity that Jedi had towards learning, and so Ben had secretly hoped he’d one day wind up giving orders next to his father.</p><p>That had been way back, in the days where the voice was a whisper and his only worldly desire was affection. With the years the voice grew louder and he outgrew his childishness, making for a man whose only goal was power. Still, he never forgot what he’d forced himself to learn all those years ago.</p><p>Perhaps this was why he wasn’t all that worried about what he’d do, now that he wasn’t looking to be master of the galaxy. And truly, what a <em>weight</em> off of him this was: admitting to himself that the burden of such a ridiculously big leadership wasn’t what he’d been looking for all along.</p><p>In fact, throughout his life as Kylo Ren… he never did find what he was looking for.</p><p>Sluggishly, Ben made his way to the cockpit —it was surprising just how good muscle memory was. From the corner of his eye he saw that Chewie was glaring at the Dejarik table as if it had personally wronged him.</p><p>It probably had.</p><p>When he arrived he saw that Han was leaning his elbow on the right armrest, right thumb under his chin and curled index supporting it. He had a very serious look on his face that usually meant he was calculating what to eat.</p><p>Ben cleared his throat.</p><p>“Dad.”</p><p>Startled, Han’s arm fell on the armrest, and he turned his head to take in his scruffy-looking son.</p><p>“You ok kid? You slept ten hours. We’re about to reach Bandomeer to refuel.”</p><p>Damn, he <em>had</em> slept a long time. He was used to sleeping for three hours on a good day, but the Falcon’s familiarity must have knocked him out.</p><p>“Yes, I was just… tired,” Ben said, looking away from his father’s inquisitive face and to the stars. He really loved space.</p><p>“Wanna tell me what’s going on? I promise not to tell your mother.”</p><p>Ben snorted.</p><p>“We both know that’s not going to happen.”</p><p>Han smirked, because yeah, they knew that.</p><p>Still, it was what Han had always told his son to get him to open up, and this time was no different.</p><p>“Come on kid, you can tell me. I’ll cover for you.”</p><p>The craziest thing was he really would. More often than not, whenever Ben’s powers got out of control and he broke things around the apartment, Han would tell a steaming Leia that he’d been goofing off and bumped into things.</p><p>How curious it was, remembering love he’d turned away.</p><p>So, Ben gave his father the light version of the story.</p><p>“I realized being a Jedi wasn’t for me, so I quit the Praxeum. Master Luke pretty much kicked me out.”</p><p>Han frowned.</p><p>It’s true that he didn’t understand all the Force mumbo-jumbo his wife and son believed in, but he also knew that it was an important part of their life. And his stubborn son wouldn’t just <em>give up</em> this lifestyle and future on a whim.</p><p>“He kicked you out, huh,” Han drawled out, squinting at his son’s impassive face. He really shouldn’t have taught that kid poker. “You’re hiding something from me, kid.”</p><p>Still looking at the stars, Ben relaxed back on his chair, ignoring his father’s eyes boring into the side of his face.</p><p>“I had a dream where I became someone else. I hurt everyone I loved and did the most unforgivable things, and all because of a little power and a lot of spite. And when I woke up… I realized being a Jedi gives me a power I don’t need.”</p><p>They were silent for a few minutes as Han led them into Bandomeer, breaking the atmosphere smoothly. As he maneuvered, he spoke.</p><p>“We should’ve told you about your grandfather sooner, kid. That nerf-herder Casterfo shouldn’t have been how you found out, and it’s just… You’re <em>not</em> him, Ben. You’re much better.”</p><p>The old Ben would have heard this and despaired to not be up to par with the great Darth Vader, lord of evil and everything in between. He’d been so <em>scared</em> of not living up to <em>any</em> of his legacies that he chose what he perceived to be the one he’d be most adept at, given how all his life he’d been told that he struggled with the light.</p><p>Now, all Ben could think about was how stupid he’d been.</p><p>Truly, for all Snoke had meant it an insult to compare Kylo with Han, it was the best compliment a man could’ve received. Han was kind, smart, resilient and witty; for all he was awkward and sarcastic the real man always shined through, especially in moments like these. Ben had always perceived himself as simply awkward and sarcastic with a dash of negativity, but maybe this time…</p><p>He could be something more.</p><p>“Thank you,” Ben cleared his throat, swallowing down tears. “I mean… it <em>did</em> massively suck to find out from someone else and we <em>will</em> talk about that, but… It’s nice to hear it.”</p><p>Han smirked to himself, knowing his son wouldn’t have let go of something like that so easily, grudge-holder that he was.</p><p>He got that from his mother. </p><p>“Good, good.”</p><p>The trip to Bandomeer was very quick, and while Han and Chewie got off to get some air and scout the area, Ben set to cleaning his room first. Saying it was dusty was putting it lightly. He took the opportunity to sort out his plans for the upcoming days as much as he could, knowing that everything was bound to change as soon as Leia Skywalker Organa Solo caught a whiff of what he was planning.</p><p>After that the trio quickly left the planet, head-bound to Hosnian Prime.</p><p>Ben kept checking out the Falcon, mostly in the spirit of cleaning the piece of junk as much as he could while putting out a small fire or two. Han and Chewie didn’t get it, but they figured the kid was working through something and decided to live with the free wipe-down. Besides, as anal as Ben was with his own room, the two old friends were expecting to soon have a squeaky clean ship.</p><p>When they got to Coruscant, Han and Chewie were about to immediately change course for Corellia (necessary in order to hit the Trade Spine where Hosnian Prime was), only to be stopped by a blushing Ben who asked to make a quick stop. He said (lied) that he wanted to buy some nicer clothes before seeing Leia, and the duo simply shrugged before they landed near the lower market districts.</p><p>“Chewie and I are gonna wait for you in Droogan’s booth, kid. You want anything?” Han asked as the trio vacated the ship and made their way to the market. Fortunately, Ben no longer wore Jedi garb which brought attention to himself; unfortunately, his ears did.</p><p>There was a reason why he grew his hair out.</p><p>Hunching his shoulders, Ben quickly thought of something he hadn’t had in a while.</p><p>“Jogan fruit if he has it.”</p><p>“You got it kid,” Han suddenly realized his best friend had walked far ahead, and cursing, he ran after the Wookiee.</p><p>Breathing in relief at the opportunity to be alone, Ben hurried through the shops until he found one which catered to his tastes: all black.</p><p>He hesitated.</p><p>Was there a need to wear tunics anymore? As Snoke’s apprentice and later the Supreme Leader, everyone had expected him to wear the imposing clothes of a man who would rule the galaxy. So maybe, it really was time for a change, especially given the career change he was going for.</p><p>Instead of stopping at the tunic store, he decided to enter the one next to it.</p><p>It was a traumatic experience.</p><p>Interacting with sentient beings had never been his forte, and it had been quite literally years since he’d spoken to anyone he wasn’t trying to terrorize (bar one person). This meant that when the store owner greeted him, Ben couldn’t even fake a smile to put the woman at ease.</p><p>“Welcome, dear customer. How may I help you?”</p><p>The tight smile said she could feel the tension radiating off of him in waves, and short of manipulating her mind, there was nothing in Ben’s teachings that could guide him in this impossible situation.</p><p>Wanting this torture over with quickly, he simply rattled off what he was searching for and the appropriate sizes. Quizzical, but not about to lose out on a sale, the humanoid woman scurried off to find the right clothes.</p><p>“Is this what you were looking for, sir?”</p><p>Ben quickly scanned the items and gave a sharp nod.</p><p>“Yes. How much is it?”</p><p>The woman gave him a sum which was ridiculous to say the least, but he imagined it was the cost for an entirely new ensemble in Coruscant.</p><p>Packed clothes in hand, Ben speed-walked to Droogan’s booth; indeed, his father and uncle were currently trying to haggle with the Khramboan over a smoothie.</p><p>Sighing, Ben intervened by simply handing over the credits advertised at the store front for Jogan fruit smoothies, cutting off his father.</p><p>“Come on you two. We should get home.”</p><p>Grumbling, Han snatched away the to-go order, he and Chewie having already drained their drinks while waiting for Ben. Han let Droogan know with one carefully planned glare and two fingers that this was not over.</p><p>Ben sighed.</p><p>Some things never changed.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Also here's Ben's outfit: https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EM4UHhZVAAIDS42.jpg I don't know who drew it but they're crazy talented and if any of you know who's the artist let me know so I can give them credit.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Home Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>If you wanna check out the smuggler look, see the link from the last chapter! :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Han and Chewie next saw Ben, they couldn’t believe their eyes.</p><p>They’d let the boy scurry to his room as soon as they arrived at the Falcon; both were usually the type to press for answers to get a rise out of someone, but Ben’s tantrums had gotten so bad they usually avoided showing him affection this way.</p><p>Time went by quickly on their way to Corellia; Han managed to beat Chewie once at Dejarik despite his sense of self-preservation, and Chewie prepared them a portion of bread that had seen much better days. Hopefully, they’d only get a stomach ache —not like that time they ended up at the med-bay vomiting blue milk for three hours straight.</p><p>Digressing.</p><p>Han and Chewie heard a throat clear behind them from the entrance to the captain’s cabin, and they turned at the same with the same (null) level of interest.</p><p>They did a double take.</p><p>Ben wore a black jacket with his sleeves rolled up and a dark grey shirt underneath; black pants and boots, along with a brown belt that had a holster for a blaster. In its place, a lightsaber which had no doubt been sneaked out of the Praxeum. He wore dark brown fingerless gloves to complete the look.</p><p>He looked like a <em>smuggler</em>.</p><p>Han and Chewie couldn’t help themselves: they laughed their asses off.</p><p>It wasn’t that they thought he looked <em>bad</em> by any stretch, but that he looked exactly like the hoodlum his mother hadn’t raised him to be. The more the duo laughed, the more sour Ben’s face became, and he crossed his arms over his chest defensively.</p><p>“I’m going to change,” he grumbled, but Han immediately shook his head no and waved his hands.</p><p>“No son, you look good. Obviously handsome because you’re my kid,” Han said with a smirk, and Chewie’s snort could be interpreted as ‘the only thing you gave him is the height’.</p><p>Ben sighed, resigned to the fact that this was his lot in life.</p><p>Smart, strong, broody, ambitious and without a handsome face to back it up.</p><p>Whatever; it had never been something that interested him.</p><p>“How long till we get home?”</p><p><em>Fifteen hours approximately</em>, Chewie growled, turning his chair back to face the front.</p><p>Groaning, Ben let his shoulders drop.</p><p>“I’ll go meditate.”</p><hr/><p>Hosnian Prime was the home of Republic City, the heart of the Galactic Senate. As such, it was both luxurious and sober —a symbol of power, but also of justice.</p><p>Ben had always loved it, growing up.</p><p>It was organized, neat and geometrical —all things which appealed to his sense of esthetic and of what power looked like.</p><p>Now though, he had new eyes.</p><p>He saw it for what it was: a cold city, meant to be practical and intimidating and attempting to negate the reality of the sentient beings which inhabited it. It meant to terrify those who’d done wrong, and dehumanize those who’d done right.</p><p>He hated it, and kept replacing the landscape with a deep blue sea.</p><p>As soon as the <em>Millennium Falcon</em> broke the planet’s atmosphere Ben could feel his mother’s anxiety; the closer they got the more intense it felt, until finally Ben decided to shut himself off to her Force energy. It was too much, too soon.</p><p>Besides, it didn’t mix well with his own anxiety, who hadn’t seen his mother in seven years. He was clearer on the feelings he last had towards his father —pain, guilt and gratitude— while his feelings were more complicated about Leia; there was definitely gratitude there as well as grief, but there was also some unavoidable anger there to be sorted out.</p><p>While the ship landed, Ben could see his mother standing stiffly on the landing. He knew his father could see it too from the grumblings that left him about impatient wives.</p><p>“Come on kid, Chewie’ll take the Falcon for fuel while we greet your mother.”</p><p><em>I will?</em> Chewie whined, and at Han’s look, sighed in agreement. </p><p>Father and son reluctantly exited the ship, shoulders thrown back in preparation for the barrage of questions to come.</p><p>The moment they were within Leia’s line of sight she was hurrying over to them and tackling Ben with a hug.</p><p>“What happened, Ben?” Leia whispered, and pulling back, narrowed her eyes. “And why do you look like a hoodlum?”</p><p>Han laughed.</p><p>“I left the Praxeum. For good,” Ben said stiffly, taking a step back from his mother’s arms.</p><p>She frowned, but didn’t comment on the abrupt distance; the more Ben had grown, the less he’d liked physical affection. Instead, she chose to focus on his words.</p><p>“Luke said it was the right thing to do, but I just don’t see how that can be true,” Leia said, ignoring her husband for the moment. Then she turned around and marched her husband and son out. “Come on, you arrived just in time for lunch.”</p><p>Their apartment was the same as ever, high in the sky and looking down at the city. Neat and cold, too, since Leia was always off on Senate business while Han spent every available moment racing. This place had never felt like home, back then or now; it lacked warmth.</p><p>Wordlessly, Ben made his way to his bedroom and dropped off what belongings he had. His calligraphy set was still where he’d left it, and his bed was the same grey color it had always been. His wall was filled with ancient books —always the traditionalist, preferring paper over the holopad.</p><p>So, after his grand escape, his parents still hadn’t changed a thing, believing he’d be back.</p><p>
  <em>Did they ever lose faith that I’d come home?</em>
</p><p>The question was too heavy at that moment, so instead of thinking about it he chose to go wash his hands before joining his parents at the table.</p><p>They were already bickering.</p><p>“… third degree! Give him a break Princess, come on.”</p><p>“I need to know what’s going on with my son, you nerf-herder! And if I see you picking out the carrots again I’m going to blast your ass back to Hutt Space, Maker help me.”</p><p>“I’d missed my harmonious family,” Ben deadpanned as he entered the dining room, receiving an eye-roll from his mother and a huff from Han.</p><p>“Sit your ass down and start talking, Ben Solo.”</p><p>Leia’s tone was as imposing as ever, and the part of him that was still a kid could only sit down on his spot and obey.</p><p>
  <em>I ruled the galaxy not that long ago, and now I can’t even say no to my mother.</em>
</p><p>“Could you pass the soup?” Ben cleared his throat, trying to delay the inevitable. This gave Leia pause, who huffed and passed along the bowl.</p><p>“Force, what is that brother of mine feeding you? You’re skin and bones! Here, have some more meat,” Leia said, transferring some from her plate to his. Han pouted and asked for some more, but Leia only glared at him and focused on their son.</p><p>“Thank you,” Ben coughed, an odd feeling surfacing in his chest. Now that he took notice of it, he realized that this wasn’t the first time his mother fussed over his meals; no matter what his weight was, he was always too skinny in her eyes.</p><p>Right now, compared to how he was before he died, he agreed.</p><p><em>Maybe she’s just clumsy at showing her love</em>, Ben thought to himself, who now had no doubts about his parents’ love after their enormous sacrifice.</p><p>“Now, talk to me Ben Solo,” Leia narrowed her eyes and sat back, arms crossed over her chest.</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>“I had a dream,” Ben lied again, knowing in this lifetime he would never be able to convince anyone of time travel or reincarnation, as it was. So, he proposed the next best thing. “A Force dream.”</p><p>These were different, as evidenced by his mother tightening her lips. She would’ve been aghast at his choices had they been over a common dream, but anything that was related to the Force should always be heeded.</p><p>More often than not, these were prophetic.</p><p>“Had I not left the Praxeum the day I did, hours later Luke would have let himself be swayed by the dark side and raised his lightsaber to kill me. I would have stopped him, of course, but the damage would have been done. In my anger and grief, I’d have destroyed the Praxeum and run away, not to see either of you again for years. I would attempt to take up the mantle of Darth Vader’s grandson, and in the process I would have killed Han Solo to prove I was worthy. When that failed to kill the light inside of me, I killed he who was my master —and became the leader of the galaxy. I was still not satisfied. In the end, it was m—Leia’s last sacrifice to call out to me and bring me back. Truly, I’d fought for naught and died in the arms of the only person I’d ever felt understood me.”</p><p>Han and Leia could only sit there in shock; Han, because this explanation was a lot more thorough and heart wrenching than the previous one, and Leia because she simply couldn’t believe what she was hearing.</p><p>“How old…” Leia cleared her throat, feeling suddenly parched. She tried again. “How old were you in the dream when you died?”</p><p>Ben looked down at his untouched soup, the meat cooling beside it.</p><p>“I was thirty.”</p><p>He heard a gasp, and when he looked up he saw his mother held her hand against her mouth, a horrified look in her eye. Han looked struck as well.</p><p>Minutes passed, and Ben waited for the reproach to hit him. ‘How could you kill your own father?’ ‘Why would you say something like that about Luke?’ ‘Whose hand did you take?’ ‘We knew this was coming’.</p><p>Ben waited to be hurt.</p><p>“Where… Where were we, while you were hurting?” His father asked this with a trembling voice, seemingly still reeling from this information overload.</p><p>Humorlessly, Ben chuckled.</p><p>“Where else? Fighting a war against me.”</p><p>“Ben, we would <em>never</em>—” Leia began, but stopped herself at the hurt in her son’s eyes.</p><p>“When news broke that you were Darth Vader’s daughter, you went to Sibensko instead of making sure I was ok. Your first thought was of the <em>galaxy</em>… not your ignorant son.” Ben shook his head, brow furrowed. “Both of you spared no thought for me.”</p><p>Silence followed.</p><p>They couldn’t deny his words, facts being as they were.</p><p>Shame filled them, but this was not the only message Ben wanted to convey.</p><p>“I understood your love for me when you sacrificed yourself for me in the dream. I know now you always loved me, but I still think that the galaxy came first for you, Senator. And that’s not any different now. But I…” Ben sighed, dropping the spoon and the pretense that he would eat anything now. “I do not wish to go that way. Not anymore.”</p><p>Leia hunched her shoulders into herself, fighting the sensation of defeat.</p><p>“What do you wish for then, son?” Han, who had breezed over the whole ‘getting killed’ part with a lot of ease, asked.</p><p>“Peace,” Ben replied truthfully, locking eyes with his father. “I’d like to grow the company with you, dad. I will find no happiness in the ways of the Jedi or acquiring power.”</p><p>Han looked at his son with a quiet pride that Ben hadn’t expected.</p><p>“I’ll tell Chewie to beat it then,” Han said, only half joking. “I was getting tired of him shedding in the office anyway.”</p><p>Ben allowed himself an eye-roll.</p><p>“Ben, I—” Leia began, but Ben shook his head no. Whatever she had to say, he couldn’t handle it right now.</p><p>“It’s ok. I’ll hear you when I get back.”</p><p>“Back? Back from where?” Han asked, startled. They’d only just gotten home!</p><p>Now, Ben did allow his lips to tug up into a small smile.</p><p>“Dad, I’m gonna borrow the Falcon.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm trying really hard to keep things canon, personality-wise. It's so freaking hard let me tell you. Anyway, hope you liked it! </p><p>Have a great week. :))</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Stars Collide</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Our soulmates meet.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>There were a lot of differences between Ben Solo and Kylo Ren. General outlook on life, wardrobe and surviving family members to name a few. However, if there was one thing that was true for both of them it was that neither had the minimum socializing skills to survive if left alone.</p><p>Why would they have developed any?</p><p>Ben Solo grew up with the same Jedi students and teacher, finding friendship in only a few. Kylo Ren had ruled with a strategic Force chokehold and switching between arrogance and being berated. This was the extent of his interaction with other sentient beings, for the most part, so it explained why he had such a difficult time trying to convince anyone he did, in fact, possess a heart.</p><p>As the <em>Millennium Falcon</em> sped away from Hosnian Prime (tank refueled thanks to Chewie), Ben tried hashing out a plan in his head. What he’d say, what he’d do; plans A through Z in case that what he was hoping for didn’t turn out well.</p><p>To no one’s surprise, Ben was headed to Jakku —inner rim trash planet that it was.</p><p>
  <em>What will I tell her?</em>
</p><p>She’d been his last thought before he died and the first one when he woke up. Her relieved face being displaced by horrified eyes and the absolute peace he’d felt to know that, at last, someone had come to love him. The knowledge that someone out there was a reflection of his soul —that someone out there knew exactly how broken he was inside and still wanted him. Knowing that he was capable of dying for someone because she still deserved a chance to <em>live</em>, even if it was without him.</p><p>He wondered how he’d convince her to come along with him. He did not want her to suffer a second more than she had to, but he also knew her mind intimately enough that he was sure she wouldn’t come along easily. She still hoped her parents would come back, and Jakku was the only place she’d ever known. She was also ten years younger than him, so he didn’t think she’d fall in love with him anytime soon.</p><p>He just needed to make sure she was safe.</p><p>All Ben had ever needed was for Rey to be ok.</p><hr/><p>Thinking about her name hurt him.</p><p>Names in general were a powerful thing —it was why Sith Lords couldn’t keep an old identity, and why taking up again the mantle of Ben Solo signified a rejection of the dark side.</p><p>He’d lived his entire life under the burden of names: the Solo falsehood, the Skywalker heroes and Organa royalty. Famous Rebellion heroes for parents (a princess and an infamous pilot to boot), a messianic uncle, a queenly grandmother and a villainous grandfather. It had been a legacy impossible to live up to, and he hadn’t known it was an option not to try.</p><p>Now, with the knowledge that Rey was a Palpatine, he didn’t want her to know the same burden —but he wanted to lie to her even less. He knew the easiest way to get her to leave Jakku was to tell her the truth about her parents, but it was also not the kind of thing he wanted to say again. Once was too many times to crush her hope.</p><p>Still, she couldn’t stay in Jakku, that was for certain. Neither could he, because as previously established, Jakku was a trash planet.</p><p>So far, this was all Ben was certain he could do:</p><ol>
<li>Find Rey</li>
<li>Keep Rey safe and happy</li>
<li>Ignore Snoke</li>
<li>Ignore Palpatine</li>
<li>Do not give into the dark side</li>
<li>Do not kill Han Solo</li>
<li>Luke is still a dick</li>
<li>Hux is a weasel, but perhaps a useful one</li>
<li>Destroy the First Order</li>
<li>Let your hair grow out</li>
</ol><p>He was… not at all confident he could uphold all these tenets.</p><p>He still had to try.</p><hr/><p>It was late afternoon by the time that Rey made her way back to her AT-AT. It wasn’t so much that she was tired (though she was) or hungry (when wasn’t she?) but that the sandstorms were making scavenging unbearable. The <em>X’us’R’iia</em> was a willful thing, and what the Teedos saw as the goddess’s breath Rey simply knew to be a burden.</p><p>As soon as Rey opened the door to her home, she knew that it would be another miserable night, but she wasn’t bothered. The old walker was a wall of warmth as soon as she stepped in; this would make it all the more unbearable when night fell and she was forced to huddle into herself against the chill.</p><p>Sighing, she prepared the half portion she managed to wrangle from Plutt, having wiped her fingers in whatever clean surface she could find. She sat down on her makeshift bed and crossed her legs, hunching over her meal; she tried all she could, but at the end of the day, she inhaled the food in less than a minute.</p><p>So much for feeling full.</p><p>Setting aside the dirty plate, Rey swung her legs around so she could look at her Tick Wall, as she called it: the place where she kept a record of how long she’d been here.</p><p><em>I wonder how many walls I’ll fill</em>, Rey thought to herself.</p><p>She spent the rest of the afternoon staring at a wall that held no answers, hoping as always that tomorrow would be the day things changed.</p><p>So far, tomorrow had never come.</p><hr/><p>Ben decided to land the Falcon in the outskirts of Niima Outpost —he could pinpoint Rey’s current location, but he also didn’t want to scare her by coming off too strong. He also made sure to turn on the ship’s cloaking device —he’d forced Han to acquire a modified one for small ships in Bandomeer, and had spent the trip to the inner rim installing it.</p><p>Han would <em>kill</em> him if someone stole his ship.</p><p>Cursing the dry heat as he made his way across town, Ben shook off the handful of merchants and traders trying to lure him into a bad deal. Thankfully, all it took was one glare from him and everyone would scatter.</p><p>He walked with Rey’s muscle memory, having seen her take this path a hundred times in her memories on her way to the Concession Stand. She always walked alone, hauling her findings in a net more often than not. The sun was scorching hot, and despite how much he wanted to take off his jacket he knew if he did he’d find himself with a pitiful burn; instead, he used the Force to modulate his body heat as much as he could.</p><p>“What do you <em>mean</em>, this isn’t worth anything?”</p><p>Ben’s world quieted.</p><p>He saw a line formed at the Concession Stand a few feet away from him, every being carrying something salvaged from the desert. At the very front of the line was none other than a girl with three hair buns, standing on her tip toes and scowling at the fat Crolute.</p><p>Unkar Plutt answered something in a tone too low for Ben to discern, then gestured at Rey to beat it. Furious, she grabbed something that looked like a broken holopad and stomped out of the line.</p><p>She looked up, and everything slowed down.</p><p>Rey at thirteen was about a head shorter than her usual self, with her hair buns a little shaggier and the clothes a little bigger. Her cheeks were rounder, but she looked even thinner somehow. She didn’t look like the fearless warrior Ben knew, like the woman who’d rejected and accepted him, but rather like a small kid in dire need of a good meal and a nap. He fought his first instinct: to reach out and give her the hug he was never able to in their last life. He wanted to hold her and explain that life was hard, but they were the easiest thing to be. That he knew she felt it, too, how no matter what lifetime they lived through the bond would always hum in pleasure when they found each other. </p><p>His heart broke, because he’d never seen her through someone else’s eyes.</p><p>Small, young, undernourished and yet, fierce.</p><p>Rey, on the other hand, felt her blood freeze even as her feet walked her automatically to the stranger. A shiver ran down her spine. She saw a tall man (for he most definitely wasn’t a boy) with big ears and a long nose, looking like a smuggler with his jacket and holster for a blaster. He was looking at her intently —not like all the men she’d fought off with her quarterstaff, who thought they could talk to her with vulgar words, but like someone who couldn’t believe his eyes. Like someone who was counting his blessings rather than looking for trouble.</p><p>He was easily the most handsome man she’d ever seen, and as soon as she realized this, couldn’t fight off a blush.</p><p><em>Don’t let him intimidate you</em>, Rey told herself as she came to a stop in front of him. She dropped the holopad by her feet and crossed her arms over her chest, tilting her chin up defiantly. The sun was hot against their skin, but Ben was just tall enough to block the rays from blinding her.</p><p>“Can I help you?”</p><p><em>Don’t leave me again</em>, Ben thought, even as he faked indifference and glanced down at the scrap of metal by her feet. Her shoes looked on the verge of disintegrating, but her feet were planted on the sand forcefully, confidently. He hummed and mirrored her position, looking down at her; she had more freckles now than when—</p><p>“I need a mechanic. You know of one?”</p><p>Rey squinted at him, instantly suspicious. She pressed her lips together for a moment.</p><p>“I might. What needs fixing?”</p><p>That was easy.</p><p>“My ship. A Corellian YT series.”</p><p>Try as she might, he saw her eyes light up; she fought to hide it, wanting to seem indifferent to the request so she wouldn’t come across as eager. Everyone knew that was a terrible way to do business.</p><p>She cleared her throat and looked away, seemingly unable to hold his gaze. Ben found it strange, knowing that she’d never been a shy woman, but he didn’t prod. It wasn’t the right time.</p><p>“What’s the payment?”</p><p>He couldn’t help teasing her; he’d had little opportunity to do so before, and he was excited to thinking he could interact freely with her now.</p><p>Not enemies who turned out to be soulmates, but rather a Force dyad that found each other. </p><p>“Well, that’s something to negotiate with the mechanic, don’t you think?”</p><p>Rey frowned, her shoulders tensing a little.</p><p>“I’ve never found a ship I couldn’t fix,” Rey said haughtily, and Ben nearly laughed out loud. She looked defiant, confident —arrogant.</p><p>Some things didn’t change.</p><p>Rey seemed to be steeling herself for the usual doubt that she encountered whenever she tried convincing someone of her skills —someone mistakenly thinking her too young, too small, too ignorant to be any good.</p><p>The man in front of her, though, simply nodded.</p><p>“I see. I can offer three full meals a day until it’s fixed and a hundred credits.”</p><p>He was offering her way too much for a job he knew anyone could do, even if she didn’t know that. Still, he knew there was only one way to convince her, and that was food.</p><p>Rey, though, didn’t even care what job it was —her eyes grew round with guarded hope. The amount of credits didn’t even register, for what use did she have for money? It had never helped.</p><p>“Meals? Not portions?”</p><p>Ben nodded.</p><p>“Whatever I want?”</p><p>Her question, adorable as it was coming from her, only made his heart hurt; she was starved in every sense of the word, and he wanted to protect her however he could. He nodded.</p><p>“So long as you can stomach it.”</p><p>Rey couldn’t help the smug smile from sneaking out: this man didn’t know what he was promising, but she’d make him uphold his word even if it emptied his credits.</p><p>“I’m Rey,” she said, sticking her small hand out confidently, back straight as a rod. She met his eyes, unable to fight back a blush when she realized that his gaze had never left her face.</p><p>He enveloped her small hand in his much bigger one, relishing in the warmth that seeped from her skin to his.</p><p>The rightness of finding his soulmate once more.</p><p>“Ben,” he allowed himself a small smile, just a slight tugging of his lips. A small visual representation of the frenzy his heart was suffering. “Nice to meet you.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I feel it’s important to say this as explicitly as possible: Rey is a kid. Ben is an adult, ten years older than her. He’ll behave as such. Obviously, feelings will change, but only until Rey is grown up —so please bear with me. </p><p>I hope you liked their reunion! And thanks for reading ☺️</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. I Know Him</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey everyone!<br/>You'll notice I took a little longer than usual to post; basically, I had to scrap and rewrite nearly the entire chapter, since I was unsatisfied. This means that I'm also rethinking the storyboard I'd made, which will take me a little while to complete. </p><p>Life's a little hectic but I finally asked for a two-week vacation in April; I hope this means I can hash out everything more consistently. If not... Well, I won't leave you hanging for long. :P</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first thing the duo did was head over to Devi’s Diner, the best (and only) tavern in Niima Outpost.</p><p>They were silent on the walk over; Ben was too consumed in anxious thoughts about where to go from here, and Rey was busy sneaking glances at her new employer.</p><p>He was really very handsome, she decided without much deliberation. Something about him seemed even younger than he probably was, and the way he walked with such confidence made it hard to tear her gaze away. It wasn’t that she had never seen a human male —if you waited long enough, all types of scum arrived near the outpost, human or otherwise. She’d seen boys that other human scavengers gushed about: they were tall with strong jaws, gorgeous hair and a smooth swagger. Her new employer <em>did</em> have wonderful hair and <em>was</em> enormous, but his jaw was angular, his nose a little crooked, his ears a little big, and his walk a lot more determined than smooth.</p><p>She thought he had more personality than the men who just winked and chased after Twi’leks.</p><p>There was also something… awfully comforting about him. It felt like a loose nail had finally been screwed in tight after many years of nearly falling off.</p><p>Silently, they arrived at the diner and slipped into a booth after motioning to a server to take their order. Rey tried ordering something alcoholic to drink, but Ben gave her a sharp look that reminded her she was way underage —so she settled for a soft pop.</p><p>“What brings you to Jakku, anyway?” Rey asked once they’d placed their order, settling back into her seat. She’d dragged in a lot of sand with her, but nobody batted an eyelash —nothing ever escaped the sand in this place.</p><p><em>Ah shit</em>, Ben moaned to himself, realizing he hadn’t thought that far in his anxiety of simply thinking how to greet her. Why would <em>anyone</em> come to Jakku?</p><p>He knew he couldn’t tell her the truth —she wasn’t ready for that, much as he wanted to pour his heart out to her. He’d had this silly dream on the way here: he told Rey he was here for her, and intrigued, she followed him. The reality was that Rey had no reason to follow a stranger, and she’d sooner clobber him to death with her quarterstaff than be told who she was by a man she’d never met.</p><p>So, the truth was out.</p><p>But neither could he <em>lie</em>, could he? There was so much that was fucked up about his situation, and if he started adding lies on top of it he’d never be able to keep up; not to mention, she’d <em>know</em>. He’d always been a terrible liar, and what’s more he’d prided himself in always being truthful with Rey. To lie now would be to rob himself of one of the few things he’d gotten right in his past life.</p><p>He saw only one option: avoid the question.</p><p>“The lovely climate,” Ben deadpanned, feeling guilty when he saw the mildly affronted expression cross her face. He quickly changed the subject, knowing he wouldn’t be able to withstand a barrage of <em>her</em> questions. “Anyway, why’s this place so dead? Shouldn’t it be buzzing at this time of day?”</p><p>Aware that he was changing the subject, but figuring she’d give him time before asking again, Rey shrugged.</p><p>“Yesterday the sandstorm was harsher than usual. Most people regroup after that for a day or two, make sure no one tries to steal anything,” Rey said, noticing the scowl that appeared on Ben’s face; self-conscious, her shoulders hunched in. “What?”</p><p>“What about you then? Shouldn’t you be checking in on your stuff?”</p><p>She cocked her head to the side, mirroring his frown.</p><p>“I don’t have anything worth stealing.” She said it simply, as though it wasn’t a gut-wrenching fact. He knew this wasn’t true: she had a doll, and an old Rebellion helmet along with her thousands of ticks on a wall marking the passage of time. It was everything to her.</p><p>Ben shook his head, knowing he had to change the subject or risk growing angry at the sheer loneliness she’d gone through. Sometimes, sadness was so profound it had no way of leaking other than through fury.</p><p>“Well, you’re free to lodge in my ship while I’m planet-bound,” Ben offered off-handedly, knowing he desperately wanted to know his soulmate was <em>safe</em> and warm and well-fed —things he couldn’t be sure would be accomplished in her old AT-AT. Still, he knew not to get his hopes up: Rey had no reason to trust him, and he had no way of explaining why he was so invested in her wellbeing. Not yet, at least.</p><p>The truth would come out, but only when he was ready.</p><p>“Oh,” Rey blinked, as though she hadn’t expected the small act of kindness. And she could see that it was, because there was something so <em>open</em> about this man’s face despite his evasiveness. “Um… Thank you. I’ll think about it.”</p><p>Satisfied, Ben’s shoulders relaxed.</p><p>The food arrived shortly after that, and they indulged in small talk as they ate —talk about the weather, the <em>X’us’R’iia</em>, what Ben could find in Niima Outpost for a fair price. Throughout it, Ben realized he’d never actually talked about senseless things with Rey; it was always about joining sides, loneliness, putting on a cowl, ruling the galaxy together. At no point had they been allowed to just… be. Be silly, be lazy, be fun, be... themselves.</p><p>He found he rather liked it.</p><p>Throughout their meal, he found that Rey wasn’t reluctant to share her smiles with him, even giggling a few times. He was sarcastic by nature —product of his upbringing, really— so there were quite a few times he was surprised she hadn’t misunderstood his comments and had instead laughed. As a matter of fact, this young Rey tended to giggle and blush a lot, looking down at her devoured plate after a few beats of eye contact.</p><p>Maybe he <em>could</em> make her happy this time around.</p><p>The thought satisfied him immensely.</p><p>After polishing off her third bowl of stew, Rey convinced Ben to let her give him a tour of Niima Outpost. The heat was <em>disgusting</em> to say the least, but Rey seemed none the wiser, simply shielding her eyes from the sun with her hand and prattling on about which booths were rip-offs and which to buy from.</p><p>She asked a lot of questions Ben had no answer to —what he did for a living, where he lived, how soon he had to go back. She was also quite friendly with the locals, though she didn’t stop to talk with any of them once.</p><p><em>She doesn’t need them</em>, Ben realized. She lived as though she was ready to jump across the galaxy at a moment's notice. He’d known, of course, that she’d held no one dear during her time in Jakku —but the reality was much harsher than he’d thought. Rey was a genuinely kind person, and for someone like that to live in isolation...</p><p>Perhaps, this was what was most similar between the two: they were responsible for their own loneliness.</p><p>Eventually, Ben led them towards his ship; it was getting late and he wanted Rey to find her way there in the morning. He’d bought them some bread and drinks to go for dinner, not wanting her to go to bed on an empty stomach.</p><p>“There’s nothing here,” Rey huffed when the duo came to a stop in the middle of the desert. “I think your ship got stolen.”</p><p>She sounded a little disappointed, but mostly like she expected this.</p><p>Rey didn’t expect to hear a cough, followed by rustling and then…</p><p>
  <em>A gorgeous ship.</em>
</p><p>Well, it was a little old —could definitely use a deep cleaning— but it looked like the stuff dreams were made of.</p><p>“It’s—”</p><p>“A piece of junk,” Ben muttered, unimpressed as always. Rey glared at him without much heat and took a step forward, entranced.</p><p>“What’s her name?”</p><p>He sighed.</p><p>“My father named it. It’s the <em>Millennium Falcon</em>.” </p><p>Immediately, Rey whipped around with the widest eyes he’d ever seen on her —they shone like he’d just told her she’d won free meals for life.</p><p>“No way! <em>This</em> is the <em>Millennium Falcon</em>? It made the Kessel Run in—”</p><p>“Twelve parsecs,” Ben immediately corrected what he knew would be a mistake. This didn’t deter the young girl, however; she only skipped ahead while leaving him, literally, in the dust.</p><p>Sighing, Ben trailed after Rey at his own pace, watching with her as the boarding ramp lowered to welcome them in.</p><p>“Does this mean your dad is <em>Han Solo</em>?” Rey breathed, craning her neck to look up. “The smuggler who became a Rebellion hero?”</p><p>Ben flinched.</p><p>He’d forgotten about how much Rey had looked up to Han, even before meeting him. As she prattled away about the stories she’d heard (“I met a couple of Wookiees a few weeks back and they told me <em>all</em> about him”), he felt the pit of guilt in his stomach grow a little deeper. His actions back then had been abominable, and now he was reliving the weight of his errors. He’d taken <em>this</em> excitement away from Rey. </p><p>Eventually, as they went inside the ship, she noticed that Ben wasn’t speaking at all, and she glanced back.</p><p>He was hunched in on himself, as if he could make himself smaller; his hands were in his pants’ pockets, his bangs obscuring his eyes. He looked younger, as if he’d just been told off.</p><p>Rey couldn’t presume to understand; his father was a hero and he got to fly the <em>Falcon</em> any time he wanted. Still, she could sense she’d said something that upset him, and it made her heart drop. What if he grew to hate her because she’d been careless? She needed the meals, and she…</p><p>She wanted him to like her.</p><p>“Did I say something wrong?”</p><p>Quickly, Ben shook his head no, relieving her. He still didn’t meet her eye though.</p><p>“Um, I just… Have a difficult relationship with my father.”</p><p>Rey pursed her lips.</p><p>“Do you hate him?”</p><p>The question pricked at his conscience even further.</p><p>
  <em>“Why did you hate your father?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I didn’t hate him.”</em>
</p><p>Left eye twitching, Ben sighed and sniffled, resolving to let the past be.</p><p>Han was alive. So was he.</p><p>“No. He’s just annoying,” Ben admitted, and before Rey could follow up, he continued. “You’re free to look around all you want; the access ladder to the engineering room is to the left. I need to use the fresher.”</p><p>“Oh,” Rey said, about to say something else, but then he left her alone.</p><p>Blinking, she bit her lower lip as she glanced at the empty surroundings. She would’ve loved to hold a longer conversation with Ben (<em>Ben Solo</em>, a voice sighed), felt kind of giddy about it in fact, but it seemed like he had a lot on his mind.</p><p>She kind of… wanted to look at him a little longer.</p><p>
  <em>Should I stay?</em>
</p><p>The question jumped around in her head as she opened and closed doors and circuit panels. She kind of wanted to giggle every time Ben glanced her way, and there was something a little addictive about that new feeling. It had only been hours since they’d met, but there was just something she <em>knew</em> about him. That he wouldn’t hurt her; that he’d look out for her.</p><p>Rey thought about going back to her empty AT-AT and attempting to get warm at night, only to come back here in the morning. The trek wasn’t particularly long, but almost any distance was made unbearable by the heat.</p><p>Eventually, she reached the cockpit —Ben was just standing there, either back from the fresher or distracted from his initial quest. She saw his broad back, and wondered what he was looking out —there was only sand for miles on end. She didn’t see the golden dice hanging in front of the glass panel, hidden as it was by his head.</p><p>There were a lot of reasons why she shouldn’t stay here: he was a stranger, her home could get sacked of her few valuable possessions, he could hurt her.</p><p>She could want to stay.</p><p>“Ben?”</p><p>He turned around slightly, having sensed her presence at the doorway. Rey had squared her shoulders, a determined look on her face.</p><p>“Rey.”</p><p>She could be brave.</p><p>No —she had to be.</p><p>“Where will I sleep?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Also, I spent an obscene amount of time looking for the MF's blueprints. Jesus, me.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Sweet Dreams</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Any and all mistakes are mine and I'll own up to it. It's late and I didn't feel like triple-checking. </p><p>Happy holidays!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The crew’s quarters had three individual beds —Han, Leia and Ben had always picked the same ones, so they each felt ownership over theirs. Over time, Leia stopped boarding the Falcon, and Han started falling asleep in the cockpit or in the bunk behind the main hold. Ben started thinking of the quarters as his room, and the evidence lied in how untouched it was during his absence.</p><p>He couldn’t sleep there.</p><p>His bed was the most comfortable, slept-in as it was, so naturally it was the one Rey deserved (and was drawn to). There were two other bunks in the room, but despite Rey’s protests that she couldn’t kick him out of his own quarters, there was no way Ben was staying with a thirteen-year-old girl. Even though he knew himself and that nothing would happen (she didn’t even have <em>hips</em> yet), he wanted to make sure when Rey thought back to these days she’d feel safe and cared for.</p><p>That wasn’t to say he <em>didn’t</em> want to sleep in the same room as her.</p><p>He wanted to hug his soulmate to sleep, truth be told. He wanted to make sure nothing could touch her, and he wanted to cuddle her the same way babies held stuffed animals to their chest.</p><p>Ben wanted to put an end to his physical loneliness, but he knew he was an adult while any way he looked at her, Rey was a kid. Deprived as he’d grown of normal emotions, he knew he had to wait to receive Rey’s love the way he wanted it. He’d never forgive himself if he made Rey question his intentions, but it was still an odd position for him to be in. He’d met her as an adult, and this version of her was pretty much the same only a bit smaller. What kept reminding him that this Rey wasn’t yet <em>his</em> Rey was that, whenever she looked at him, there was no weariness.</p><p>It was a shock to his system every time.</p><p>Currently, he was on the bunk behind the main hold attempting to meditate. He’d sent a message to his mother right after dinner that said he was safe, fed and out of trouble —and that he wasn’t sure how soon he’d be back, but not to expect him back before two weeks were up.</p><p>He also threatened to sell the Falcon if she or anyone else came after him.</p><p>
  <em>Breathe in, breathe out.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Be one with the Force.</em>
</p><p>Eventually, his mind emptied of thought: worries, chatter, memories, voices, everything was boxed neatly and put away. He imagined zooming in on the fabric of the galaxy, finding himself at the intersection of one thread and the next; his energy was a small beacon, made smaller still by his own effort.</p><p>There was someone he needed to find.</p><p>Farsight was neither a light nor dark ability; it just was, letting you use your feelings to find your target. It had certain limitations, among them the restriction of only being able to use it for one hour a week and of space. So far, he only knew of one Jedi master who’d managed to use farsight between Dagobah and Pasaana, and he’d slipped into a coma for a week due to nearly running out of life force.</p><p>As far as Ben knew, he was going to be training so he could reach all the way from Mustafar to Cantonica. It was going to take him some time to build up to it, but he was confident he could do it without exhausting himself.</p><p>He had to do it for the sake of his family.</p><hr/><p><em>So, I can reach Ord Mantell as I am now,</em> Ben thought to himself as he settled in for bed. He’d been in such a deep trance that it felt a little weird having a body, after having his mind float around. He'd thought of reaching out to his mother, but figured he’d save himself the panicked message that she’d felt his Force signature.</p><p>He was broken out of his thoughts when he heard hesitant footsteps approach.</p><p>“Rey?”</p><p>There was no door, so the sounds around him resonated clearer for him. His mumble was loud in the dead of the night, and Rey eventually came to a stop in front of him.</p><p>Her energy was unsettled, and Ben sat up quickly when he saw her feet.</p><p>Her scowl was something fierce to behold.</p><p>“… Are you ok?” Ben asked, scooting backwards in case she wanted to sit down and rearranging so he sat cross-legged.</p><p>Wordlessly, Rey sat down in front of him; her lips started twitching, and that’s when Ben realized that this was the face she made when she was trying to hold back tears.</p><p>“I just… I don’t remember the last time I slept somewhere other than my bed,” Rey admitted, sniffling rather noisily —making Ben wonder for a moment how she had <em>that</em> much snot backed up there. “It’s too soft.”</p><p>Ben couldn’t help but mirror her frown.</p><p>“Too soft?”</p><p>It was an average mattress, and despite having been softened by Ben throughout the years, its starting point was rock-hard; he didn’t understand how…</p><p>“I’ve always slept on makeshift beds. Lately I found a hammock, so I’ve been using that…” Rey shrugged, as though nothing she’d said could possibly break his heart.</p><p>“So, you’ve never slept on a mattress?”</p><p>She shook her head.</p><p>“Not as long as I can remember.”</p><p>His scowl deepened.</p><p>He wanted to kill Palpatine again, preferably yesterday. This was all his fault.</p><p>“Did you try one of the other beds?”</p><p>Sheepishly, Rey shook her head no again. Truthfully, despite the bed feeling not <em>quite</em> right —it smelled comforting. Like shampoo, leather and something unique. She didn’t know what she expected Ben to do about it, but it felt like he’d know. He was an adult, after all.</p><p>He sighed, running a hand through his hair. <em>Too short</em>, he thought absentmindedly.</p><p>“Well, you could try a different bunk bed,” Ben began, then cleared his throat. “I could also… Teach you how to meditate. It could help you fall asleep.”</p><p>
  <em>“You need a teacher.”</em>
</p><p>Her eyes brightened, the frown disappearing from her face. She liked that: solutions.</p><p>“What do I do?”</p><p>Briefly, Ben arranged her so she was facing him while cross-legged, her back straight and her eyes closed.</p><p>“Breathe, Rey. Just breathe,” Ben focused on teaching her, rather than doing the same. “In and out. Reach out.”</p><p>“Like this?” Rey asked, holding her arms out in front of her, head cocked to the side and mouth pursed in confusion.</p><p><em>She’s adorable</em>, Ben held back a smile. He knew she was doing her best though, so he decided not to tease her about it.</p><p>“No. Inside, with your mind. Focus on my voice. Feel the air around you, the wind pushing against the ship, the sand beneath, the engines creaking. Clear your mind of anything that isn’t here right now.”</p><p>This is why meditation had always been such a challenge for the young Solo: he always had too much on his mind, too many worries and too much ambition. The future had been much more exciting than the present, leading him to spend most of his energy on a time that hadn’t come yet.</p><p>“Breathe in, breathe out. Take the time to feel how your body becomes weightless. You’ve become one with the stars, the goddess of the sandstorms has blown you away and instead you’re in an oceanic planet. Just hearing the waves roll in and out.”</p><p>Chin resting on his knees, Ben watched as the expression lines cleared from Rey’s face. Her breath deepened, shoulders relaxing.</p><p>At peace.</p><p>Ben didn’t know how much time went by, but before he knew it he found Rey’s breath to be much too deep, and her head lulled forward as if unable to hold itself up anymore. So, she’d fallen asleep.</p><p>He’d known she’d fall asleep meditating, too.</p><p>Heart warm, Ben got off the bed and slipped his forearms behind her knees and around her shoulders, careful not to jostle her. Normally, the scavenger in her would rouse at the slightest touch —but how could she, when her very soul recognized his?</p><p><em>She’s lighter</em>, Ben thought to himself. He’d carried her in his arms once, and she’d been heavier than he would’ve expected someone of her constitution to be. Now, he felt she was not only lighter compared to last time, but also as related to her height. She couldn’t have been eating right, after all. </p><p>The walk to the crew’s quarters was over quickly, and selfishly, Ben settled her on his old bed again; wishing she’d get used to it. A little sigh escaped her, but it quickly became a small frown when she shivered. Glancing down, he saw that his blanket was at the foot of the bed like she’d kicked it off —using the Force he unfolded it and laid it on her up to her chin.</p><p>The shivering stopped, and her face relaxed again.</p><p>So small, so honest.</p><p>He could help her, this time around. The idea excited him.</p><p>Casting a quick look back at her sleeping face, Ben turned off the lights before returning to his own bunk.</p><p>He hoped she slept well.</p><hr/>
<hr/><p>He’s looking at her —her grown up self, the one he’d left behind— celebrating with her friends. He supposes they’re cheering the end of the war: people are cheering and kissing and throwing things in the air.</p><p>He sees her making her way to a big tent, one that is very disorganized inside with books piled up on every available surface. He knows who this tent belonged to, and it guts him. Still, she’s looking around and she’s… she’s looking lost, even though he can still hear the hoots and laughs outside. The party’s not over yet, but she doesn’t seem interested beyond having confirmed her friends’ safety.</p><p>Her lips are trembling with the effort not to cry, and it’s such an ugly look on her beautiful face.</p><p><em>Don’t be sad</em>, he wants to tell her. <em>My mom and I are ok.</em></p><p>He can’t though, because he’s not there. He’s dead, he knows this. In a void where eternal rest is possible as shapeless energy.</p><p>He wants to ask her what her plan is for the future. If she’ll continue on the Jedi path or leave it for good. If she’ll keep fighting wars or if she’ll take a break.</p><p>If she could conceive loving someone else (anyone but the Traitor or the Pilot).</p><p>It’s unfair, because even now he wants her to be happy and fulfilled. He gets to rest, but his better half is left behind. The thing is, even though she’s <em>his</em> better half, <em>he’s</em> her worst half. Maybe she could do better.</p><p>He doesn’t know which option is worse, so he focuses on just looking at her.</p><p>The soot on her face, her torn clothes, her somehow-still-perfect hairdo. She looks haggard, like all she wants to do is sleep. She’s just ended a war, losing a master and a soulmate nearly all at once.</p><p>He thinks maybe all she <em>really</em> wants is a good stew.</p><p>He wants to kiss her just one more time and tell her she did well. That she’s beautiful, and strong, and the bravest woman he knows next to his mother. That he’s gone back in time just for the sake of giving her a better life, one with less heartache and loss.</p><p>He can’t say any of that, though. He’s not even a ghost.</p><p>She sits down on the ground and sighs, just as he feels himself slipping away.</p><p>She looks straight at him.</p><p>“I miss you, Ben.”</p><hr/><p>Then he wakes up.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Also yes, this chapter was mostly fluff. And Ben had very pure thoughts about Rey while putting her to sleep, thank you very much. </p><p>P.S. I felt like I was hearing my Headspace dude talking to me as I wrote the meditation scene. It made me sleepier.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Just a Feeling I Have</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heeey folks. Sorry I haven't been replying to the lovely comments (though I always read them). I'm just disconnected from everything right now that isn't writing this fic, sleeping and reading isekai. I'm still so grateful for your feedback and how excited you get with me!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Life with Rey was hectic.</p><p>It was hectic in the best way possible, of course. She woke up at the crack of dawn and only went to sleep when Ben started fake-yawning; she also ate half her weight morning, noon and night. Ben talked about all the books he’d read, while Rey spoke of the stories different travelers had shared with her. She properly washed her clothes for the first time in years, and her excitement about <em>finally</em> smelling clean made Ben hold back the urge to punch a hole through Palpatine.</p><p>His time would come.</p><p>Her first day working on the Falcon she didn’t even ask what was wrong with the ship: she just hopped into the engine room, determined that everything needed fixing, and got to work. Ben spent that time <em>finally</em> giving the ship a good cleaning, making sure that everything had a shine. It went from looking forty years old to fifteen, which was a feat in itself.</p><p>Sometimes, when he lost himself to the rhythmic movement of wiping, he found himself thinking about <em>how</em> he was here.</p><p>Was this a different timeline? Had he gone back in time to his same reality, or had he found himself in a different reality where he had knowledge of <em>another</em> dimension? If so, was his soulmate still suffering from his mistakes?</p><p>Did he even have a way of finding out?</p><p>Mysterious as the Force was, he’d never heard of it winding time back. With the Force everything was a possibility, but was it possible there was a limit? If it hadn’t been the Force, then <em>what</em> had brought him back to this point in time?</p><p>Also, would he be able to change events, or would it be like snapping a rubber band —with everything returning the way it was meant to despite his best effort?</p><p>This much he already knew to be untrue, so he cast away that last question: he’d prevented the destruction of the Jedi Praxeum, and he’d found Rey before it was time. The fabric of reality was more flexible than people gave it credit for.</p><p>Two weeks went by like that, and eventually Rey asked Ben if she could go back to her AT-AT to grab a couple of things. He didn’t know what she could possibly want to go back for, seeing how she didn’t even have spare clothes, but he just nodded and let her off the ship.</p><p><em>Follow her</em>, a voice whispered about ten minutes later. It didn’t sound like anyone, not like when Palpatine spoke to him, but rather like a static sound attempting to form words. Was it instinct, the Force, or something else?</p><p>He knew to listen.</p><p>Quickly, he left the ship with his lightsaber and a blaster on either hip, turning on the cloaking device. He broadened his perception, trying to feel Rey’s Force signature; he stood still, eyes closed as he endured the harsh sun beating down on his skin, his heartbeat picking up as he pictured all the terrible scenarios he could find her in. </p><p>Thinking positive wasn’t exactly his forte.</p><p><em>Focus</em>.</p><p>Her signature felt green —green like the leaves, like dewy grass, like the flecks of emerald in her hazel eyes. He trailed the thread that led to the brightest green, and —<em>there</em>.</p><p>He started running.</p><p>Using the Force he sped up as much as he could, probably catching the attention of one or another creature. It didn’t matter. He nearly barreled over an old lady who chose the worst possible moment to <em>stop fucking moving</em>. It didn’t matter.</p><p>Nothing mattered except for making sure that Rey was ok.</p><p>He found her exiting the old AT-AT.</p><p>She wore goggles on top of her head, and she was about to get on a speeder that seemed to be nearly empty in the back. He saw her being halted by a handful of Teedos and what seemed to be the asshole known as Unkar Plutt. They were motioning with their hands, and the closer Ben got the more he realized that Plutt was an unnecessarily loud Crolute, to Ben’s luck.</p><p>“… owe me, girl. You’ve been gone for two weeks already!”</p><p>He couldn’t hear Rey’s reply, but he saw on her face how displeased —and scared—she was.</p><p>“Nobody ‘round these parts gets as many portions as you do, girl! You know what? I’m tired of your ungrateful ass. Either you get back to scavenging, or I sell you to the nearest brothel to get my money’s worth! What will it be?”</p><p>There was a beat, and then Rey was swinging her quarterstaff and knocking a Teedo off its feet; when she drew her weapon back, she used it to grab the net containing her things from the back of the speeder. Both she and Ben knew that she’d be wasting precious time by trying to get the thing started.</p><p>“Get her!” Plutt roared, and the remaining Teedos drew their weapons, a bigger net among them.</p><p>Ben saw red.</p><p>He was flying as he managed to reach the scene, fingers outstretched as he blasted the Teedos back. Plutt was much heavier to maneuver, but it didn’t matter; Ben immobilized the bastard, met Rey’s startled eyes and grabbed her hand.</p><p>“Come on, Rey!”</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Rey asked, even as she repositioned the quarterstaff and tucked her things under her armpit, being forced to let go of Ben’s hand.</p><p>“I had a bad feeling!” Ben called back, and sensing incoming danger, reached once more for Rey’s hand. She took it. “Rey, hurry!”</p><p>The two of them pumped their legs so hard they burned, and at Ben’s insistence only he looked back to gauge how close the Teedos (who <em>did</em> have speeders) were.</p><p>“Where are we going?” Rey asked breathlessly, even as they came closer to the spot they’d left the Falcon at.</p><p>“Off this planet,” Ben grunted, his hand tightening around Rey’s when he felt it briefly loosen in surprise. “Rey, you can’t stay here. You know this.”</p><p>It was curious, how even as Rey pushed her body harder than she ever had she had the presence of mind to panic and consider staying. What Ben was saying was right: she’d just pissed of the junkyard boss and even hurt one of his lackeys, and there were probably goons behind destroying her AT-AT. If she didn’t have Plutt’s support, she’d have no food, and then she’d die.</p><p>But… what about her parents?</p><p>All this time waiting for them for nothing. Ben was asking her to leave her life behind —no, not really asking her. Telling her.</p><p>But she could <em>feel</em> how hard he was grasping her hand, and however silly it sounded… how fearful he was that she’d say no. That she’d insist on staying behind. Would he let her hand go if she asked? Did she even want him to? What kind of fool asked to stay behind while being chased and threatened to be put in a brothel?</p><p>“What if…” Rey heaved, her lungs burning even worse than her legs. She tried again. “What if I want to stay?”</p><p>The spot where the Falcon was parked came nearer and nearer, and the sound of the speeders were coming closer and closer. They had no time to stop now, not even for a heart-to-heart.</p><p>“Then you’ll stay,” Ben said, even as his hand gripped hers so hard she could feel the blood flow stopping. She couldn’t see his face, but she imagined he was frowning. “But I’ll come back for you.”</p><p>
  <em>I’ll come back for you.</em>
  
</p><p>Those words were… Well, they were what Rey had been waiting a lifetime to hear.</p><p>Lies or not.</p><p>Her surprise over the sweet words was too much, making her stumble; she would’ve fallen if not for Ben, who again used the strange power from before to help her upright. She’d have to ask what was up with that.</p><p>Rey din’t know how close they were to being caught, but she thanked the Maker when Ben turned off the cloaking device and they finally made their way into the ship. Ben ran ahead to the cockpit, and Rey was about to go after him when she saw a masked goon had managed to hold unto the closing platform, mouth snarling vulgarities and threats.</p><p>With a furious scowl, Rey let go of her net, ran ahead and, holding her quarterstaff with both hands, hit the goon on the solar plexus so hard that he let go.</p><p>He fell, and the platform closed.</p><p><em>I need to work on my endurance</em>, Rey thought to herself, gasping for breath as she lied down on the hallway’s floor. Being a scavenger required far more strength than it did running for long periods of time, and it grated on Rey’s pride to know that just because <em>Ben</em> had longer legs he could run faster than her. </p><p>(Also, the Jedi training helped)</p><p>Rey felt it on her back as the engines started working to fly off, and then she heard the rush of wind as the Falcon started preparing for take-off.</p><p><em>Bantha poop, maybe Ben needs a co-pilot,</em> Rey groaned to herself while standing up, feeling as her muscles protested the movement. Normally she would’ve loved the opportunity to fly the <em>Millennium Falcon</em>, but currently, she seriously needed a glass of water.</p><p>Walking as quickly as she could without feeling like she was torturing herself, Rey made her way to the cockpit; Ben was already a mile off the ground, looking like he’d done this a thousand times before.</p><p>“Do you need help?” Rey asked, but he shook his head no and told her to sit down next to him. Thankful for the reprieve she did as told, watching from her seat as the desert got further away from her and Niima Outpost became smaller.</p><p>Soon enough, they were outside of Jakku’s stratosphere.</p><p>Neither said a word while Ben maneuvered the ship as far away as he could from the trash planet.</p><p>She was leaving her home for the first time, and she was leaving it for good.</p><p>There were many memories, but only a handful of them worth remembering. Kind travelers, receiving a lot of portions from a reluctant Plutt, playing with her helmet. Now she was leaving the only home she’d ever known, at the same time abandoning the hope that her parents would find her.</p><p>Her heart pounded in her chest, anxiety fighting with fear and excitement over the oncoming change.</p><p>She gripped the armrests hard, her jaw set.</p><p>Her decision was made; it was time to let go.</p><hr/><p>
  <em>The belonging you seek is not behind you; it is ahead.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I see a lot of comments wondering if this is a different timeline or if Rey will remember. For once, I *do* know the answer and just want to leave a little bit of mystery. I'm in no rush to reveal the answer though, so buckle in. :P</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Meet the Parents</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey folks! Sorry I still haven't gotten around to replying the wonderful comments, but I've read every single one. As always, they make me smile. </p><p>I hope you like this chapter!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It took one hyperspeed jump before Rey gathered the courage to ask.</p><p>“Where are we going?”</p><p>Ben visibly deflated, as if her talking reminded him that they were out of the danger zone. He leaned forward and set the autopilot mode on, then leaned back and swiveled the chair so he was facing Rey.</p><p>“Hosnian Prime,” he said, his eyes searching Rey for any sign of reluctance on her face. Before she could show anything other than surprise, he continued. “It’s where my parents live.”</p><p>Her mouth dropped.</p><p>Did this mean she was going to meet <em>the</em> Han Solo? And she was pretty sure she’d heard a rumor that he’d married a <em>princess</em> of all things; if true, this meant that Ben Solo was royalty while she…</p><p>Was an abandoned scavenger.</p><p><em>Be negative later</em>, Rey chided herself, focusing again on the matter at hand. She could fangirl and worry once she had all the information available.</p><p>“Um, I don’t really have any money, so I can’t… I can’t repay you all <em>this</em>, Ben. I can’t afford Hosnian Prime.”</p><p>The meals, which were worth a lot more than the work she’d done on the ship. Getting her off that planet. Being kind to her.</p><p>All Ben did was roll his eyes.</p><p>“It’s my fault you’re in a tight spot, Rey. Besides, do you think I need your money?” Ben asked, arching an eyebrow. She flushed bright red, as if she couldn’t believe her own brazenness at suggesting anyone would want her measly credits. “My… father, he has a shipping company. They could use a mechanic like you, and the pay is good.”</p><p>“Oh, I couldn’t possibly—”</p><p>“Rey, learn to accept help.”</p><p>Maker knew Ben was still learning. He wasn’t exactly the picture of kindness nor of someone adept at receiving it, but he was still willing to try.</p><p>Well, for one person only.</p><p>Instead of looking happy, Rey pursed her lips and stared at him long and hard. He let her gather her thoughts, aware that it would do neither any good to rush her.</p><p>“There’s a gut feeling that tells me to trust you Ben, but that doesn’t mean I <em>know</em> you. People… they turn a blind eye much quicker than they lend you a hand.” Rey didn’t want him to think she was ungrateful or undeserving of his attention, but she still needed to say this. She’d always known that anything easily acquired could be lost just as quickly. “How do I know I can trust you, when I don’t even know what that… <em>thing</em> you did to the Teedos and Plutt was?”</p><p>Ah.</p><p>So he couldn’t hide that any longer.</p><p>Originally he’d wished that he could hide the entire existence of Jedi and the Force from Rey; he wished he could protect her from any and all danger from the past, present and future, her own grandfather included. The truth was, however, that being a Jedi was part of who Rey’s essence. To deny her would be to make a choice concerning her life that he was not allowed to make.</p><p>So, with a deep sigh, Ben spent the next hour explaining to Rey the entirety of the Jedi Order and its precepts. How the Force was everywhere, enveloping even things that the naked eye could not see —how there was a constant struggle between the light and the dark to dominate one another. Instead of painting it as a battle between ‘good and evil’, though, Ben tried explaining it as the difference between sweet and salty: they weren’t opposites, but simply different aspects to one entity.</p><p>“I was a Jedi up until a couple of weeks ago,” Ben finally admitted.</p><p>“So why did you quit?” Rey asked. She had her legs up on her chair, chin resting on her knees. Her hair buns were so crooked and loose that it tugged at Ben’s heartstrings once more.</p><p>“There were too many expectations I had to rise up to, too many legacies I had to keep. And I feared… That when the time came, I would choose wrong.”</p><p>Rey frowned.</p><p>“But you just said there’s no good or bad side. So how could your choice be wrong?”</p><p>Damn; she was way too smart.</p><p>He allowed himself a small smile, because it was crazy how simple she could make a complex problem.</p><p>“You’re right. But the choices we make have consequences, and we can hurt those close to us. I didn’t want to repeat my past mistakes, so I chose to leave the Jedi Order. I’ll start working for my father when we get back.”</p><p>Thoughtful, Rey nodded. She scratched below her nose, furrowed and relaxed her brow; finally, she met his eyes again, her head cocked to the side.</p><p>“Can you really leave the Jedi Order just because you want to?”</p><p>As far as Rey could understand, they were like a religion in a way. She’d never heard of an important member leaving.</p><p>Somber, Ben shook his head no.</p><p>
  <em>Way too smart.</em>
</p><p>“I made a deal with my uncle. I’ll lend a hand when they need it, but I am no longer bound by an oath. I’m just… backup,” Ben smiled humorlessly, imagining the fit that Kylo Ren would have had to hear that he’d be a simple stand-in. Rey didn’t see what was funny, and she didn’t feel all warm and fuzzy inside at <em>this</em> smile, so she assumed it was fake.</p><p>“I see,” Rey nodded to herself.</p><p>And that was that.</p><p>She didn’t ask to be taught, she didn’t ask for a demonstration —nothing. At first, Ben was confused about this apparent indifference to the Force. She was meant to be the last Jedi! She’d searched high and low for Luke Skywalker, had even managed to scar his face in battle. Together, they’d killed Snoke and Palpatine.</p><p>Then he realized.</p><p><em>This</em> Rey had no idea she was gifted with the Force. She wasn’t curious to know either, because she felt safe and didn’t know about the brewing war. She didn’t particularly care to understand the Force further; the only reason why she’d been interested before in learning was due to necessity.</p><p>So… Did he tell her she was Force sensitive, too?</p><p>Did he have the right to withhold that information? Furthermore, did he have the right to <em>give</em> that information, unasked?</p><p>As he saw Rey’s eyelids grow heavier and heavier with the need for a nap, he came to a decision: he would tell her anything she wanted to know, so long as she asked.</p><p>If she didn’t, well…</p><p>They’d cross that bridge when they got to it.</p><hr/><p>“Rey, we’re here.”</p><p>Ben lightly shook Rey’s shoulder, and at the unexpected movement she shot up from the bed.</p><p>The way back to Hosnian Prime was much faster than the trip to Jakku, but it still implied two nights of flying with hyperspeed. Ben had let Rey sleep most of the time, only waking her up when he felt she’d gone too long without eating. He understood her fatigue, too: she’d spent nearly her entire life fighting for scraps, and now that she was out of that lifestyle every emotion and aching muscle was catching up with her.</p><p>Leia and Han were side by side waiting for the <em>Millennium Falcon’s</em> passengers to disembark, having only gotten a message from their son that he was bringing someone over and to get the spare bedroom ready. His message had been brief and impersonal, the way they always were —but signed <em>Ben</em>, which was odd. Once he’d hit puberty he’d started signing his holo-messages with a simple ‘x’.</p><p>Aware that his parents were impatient for him to get off the ship, he took his time with getting his things, waking Rey lastly. When he did, he was holding something out for her.</p><p>“What…?” Rey blinked the blurriness away, sitting up on the bed. “Clothes?”</p><p>Ben didn’t blush, but he couldn’t meet Rey’s gaze.</p><p>He placed them at the foot of her bed.</p><p>“I bought them for you,” Ben said, careful of how he phrased things. “I guessed your size.”</p><p>He didn’t mention that he bought them while buying <em>his</em> new clothes, because he knew that one of the things that would hurt him the most would be seeing her in old, ragged clothes. He’d only waited this long because he wanted to give them to her and run away, like the grown adult he was.</p><p>“Ben—” Rey was about to argue with him, but then she remembered their conversation about accepting help. So she let her shoulders drop and gave him a small smile. “Thank you.”</p><p>Pleased, Ben nodded and straightened his back.</p><p>“You’re welcome,” Ben ran a hand through his hair. “I’m going to go ahead and greet my parents. Come out when you’re ready, alright?”</p><p>She nodded obediently, and stared at Ben’s back as he left the crew’s quarters.</p><p>
  <em>Oh. My. God.</em>
</p><p>Rey finally let out the fierce blush and mad grin she’d been holding back, burying her face in the red cloth. A cute boy had bought clothes for <em>her</em>. <em>Ben Solo</em> (23) had given her this gift after all he’d done for her. Sure, she felt guilty that she kept on receiving things from him, but she’d also made a deal with herself to be grateful. She wouldn’t take any of this for granted.</p><p>Rey allowed herself two whole minutes of blushing and rolling in bed while holding onto the clothes —then she quickly changed into the new clothes.</p><p>It was a tunic that reached her wrists and knees, as well as pants and boots. It fit her well despite being a guess, and she especially enjoyed the fact that even if she grew a little more she’d still be able to use it. When she looked into the mirror, she realized that… She looked different.</p><p>Would her parents be able to recognize her?</p><p>It was hard to let go, Rey thought, even as she did her hair up into her usual hairstyle. She’d <em>tried</em> a half-ponytail, but, it was just too hard to completely change. It felt like even <em>she</em> wouldn’t be able to recognize herself, much less her parents.</p><p>Baby steps.</p><p>Nobody was asking her to become someone different, so she could take her time with things. Perhaps, once she started earning money she could hire a private investigator so they’d look into her parents’ whereabouts.</p><p>Yeah, she liked that idea.</p><p>Rey all but skipped out of the Falcon, holding onto her handful of belongings and her quarterstaff.</p><p>Outside, the Solo trio abruptly stopped talking when Rey stepped out.</p><p>“A <em>kid</em>, Ben?” Rey heard Leia hiss at her son.</p><p>“Mother, I swear…” Ben muttered back, and then Rey was right in front of them, awkwardly shifting from one foot to the other.</p><p>“Um, it’s such an honor to meet you, Mr. and Mrs. Solo. I’m Rey.”</p><p>Unexpectedly, the older couple smiled at the same time.</p><p>“Call me Leia, Rey. Welcome to our home.”</p><p>“And it’s Han, kid. No need to be so stuffy.”</p><p>Rey's hold tightened on her meager belongings, and she did her best to give the couple a genuine smile. She... didn’t manage it.</p><p>“So,” Leia straightened her back and turned her body to face more towards the newcomer than her son. “Ben tells us he found you in Jakku. Correct?” Quickly, Rey nodded. "You’ll find Hosnian Prime to be much more pleasant than that horrible planet. I just got Ben's comm that he was about to arrive though, so I only have panna cakes to tide you over until dinner. Is that ok?"</p><p>Rey nodded so hard she felt her neck was about to crack.</p><p>"Yes ma'am. I’ll eat anything."</p><p>Ben could see it on his mother's face, how similarly they felt about such a statement. They were both acutely aware of the poverty this young girl must’ve lived through, and how it wasn’t so much that she wasn’t a picky eater but that she’d grown up <em>hungry</em>.</p><p>"Good. Ben can help you settle in." Leia glanced down at her chrono. "I have an urgent meeting right about now, so you’ll have to excuse me. It was lovely meeting you, Rey... And Ben, we'll be talking later."</p><p>She didn’t say so, but Ben thought this must’ve been a Rebellion meeting. There was only a year left before the First Order broadcasted its presence to the galaxy, and with her Senate seat gone, Leia must’ve been itching for a fight.</p><p>With that, Leia Organa left, a couple of her trusted assistants trailing behind her.</p><p>"You kids go ahead. I want to check in on the Falcon," Han muttered, and without much more fanfare strutted over to his one true love.</p><p>Sighing, Ben motioned with his head towards the lift which would take them a whole two floors down —to the penthouse.</p><p>"There’s an extra room for guests, but it’s not very livable right now because my father was using it as a storage room. So you should take my room tonight."</p><p>Immediately, Rey started shaking her head.</p><p>"No, no, then where will you sleep? I cannot take your bed <em>again</em>."</p><p>This time, Ben couldn’t resist rolling his eyes at her absurdity. She was a guest and a young girl who was bound to need privacy to deal with complex feelings over leaving her home planet; there was no way he was letting her take the couch.</p><p>"Look, you can either sleep on the bed or the floor, I don’t care. But <em>I’m</em> not setting a foot inside my room tonight, so you might as well not wake up with a crooked neck." Ben said this while fighting back his eye twitching —the signal that he was exasperated or about to blow his fuse.</p><p>Rey saw this, and as Ben scanned his fingerprints to gain access to the apartment, she sighed.</p><p>"You’re very stubborn, you know."</p><p>Ben shrugged.</p><p>"And kind. Thank you."</p><p>He blushed.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. If All Else Perished</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Surprise! Another chapter this week. Also, I will not conform to the imperial system anymore and shall use my native metric. Hihi.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Rey had never seen such a clean place.</p><p>In Jakku everything was covered by a layer of sand, and despite Ben’s best efforts the Falcon could never shine spotlessly. The short hallway she found herself in was pristine white, and at the very end there was a curved glass wall that overlooked the capital. This made her feel a little anxious, since they were on the fortieth floor —much higher than she’d ever been, despite having had to climb tall distances for scavenging. Ben let her take things in, silently taking her things to his room before rejoining her for a brief tour.</p><p>Having never been to an apartment, Rey couldn’t judge whether this one was big or small. To her, it felt gigantic —the ceiling was nearly four meters tall, and she thought the place might have been bigger than 300 squared meters. She kept walking around and finding new things to admire: the sunken living room in front of the glass wall, the columns upholding the apartment, the dining room, a wide kitchen with a kitchen droid on standby. Ben showed her to the guest bedroom —which was indeed unlivable as it was— and then to his bedroom.</p><p>It was… exactly like she imagined it to be, and at the same time, entirely different.</p><p>The bed could have fit five people in it, and there were bookshelves adorning one wall despite it being unnecessary (holo pads had replaced these a long time ago); a black desk was pushed to another wall, and tacked on the latter were papers with old calligraphy. A door inside connected to a personal fresher, she could guess. Rey could tell that he had a dislike for sunlight, since deeply black curtains blocked out the sun from leaking via the glass wall which lined the side of the bedroom.</p><p>It was a gorgeous, impersonal room.</p><p>“Do you want something to eat?” Ben asked, just as Rey’s stomach rumbled. His lips twitched nearly into a smile, and with a flushed face Rey nodded. “Come on.”</p><p>Going into the kitchen, Ben asked the kitchen droid for panna cakes and water for the two. He motioned to his companion to sit down next to him, and together they waited at the kitchen bar to be served.</p><p>“Why don’t you just tell me where everything is, and I’ll get it?” Rey asked, impatient as she saw the droid move much too slowly. She thought it was an innocuous question, but Ben pressed his lips together tightly before releasing them with a sigh.</p><p>“I haven’t… lived here in a long time. I have no idea where things are,” Ben confessed. When Rey didn’t reply, he tried to make up for the awkward silence. “Bix —that’s what I call BX-778—is just a little old, but he’s efficient.”</p><p>Sure enough, two minutes later there was a small banquet laid out in front of them. Panna cake with jam, butter, sweet strawberry dip, tea and juice. While Ben considered this a full meal, he knew that it would only sustain Rey for two hours at most.</p><p>She was a growing kid, after all.</p><p>“Hey kids,” Han suddenly walked in, whistling cheerfully. Ben was midway through his first slice, while Rey had already wolfed down a quarter of the cake. </p><p>“Mister —um, Han, hi,” Rey flinched, talking around a mouthful of food and nearly choking. Silently, Ben handed over the tea and let her wash it off.</p><p>Han ignored the scene and headed for the cupboard, where he pulled out a glass.</p><p>“Dad, how did the Falcon look to you?” Ben, always a straight-shooter, asked. He was anxious to be proven right in his assessment of Rey’s skills. </p><p>Still whistling, Han opened the tap and served himself some water, then turned around to face the couple of kids in front of him. He gave them a crooked smile.</p><p>“She’s a beauty,” Han acknowledged. “We could use hands like yours, kid. What do you say? Care to be part of the Solo family?”</p><p>Immediately, Ben and Rey started coughing when food went down the wrong pipe. Han rolled his eyes and chided them not to take it that way, but Ben <em>knew</em> his father, and that twinkle in his eye told him it was definitely on purpose.</p><p>
  <em>Nerf-herder.</em>
</p><p>“Sorry about my father, Rey,” Ben scowled furiously, watching as Han sped away from the kitchen. “He’s still learning manners.”</p><p>When he turned to look at her, he saw that she was the most fascinating shade of red from the neck up.</p><p>It was… endearing, really.</p><p>“It’s alright,” Rey gulped down the rest of her tea. “I’m going to lie down for a bit. Can I?”</p><p>“Of course,” Ben nodded quickly. “Also, should I… Tell my father you’ll take the job?”</p><p>Rey mumbled out something that sounded like an agreement, and then she took off towards the bedroom. Sighing, Ben thanked Bix for the snack and headed towards his parents’ bedroom, where he was sure to find Han on the couch watching a rerun of the latest race.</p><p>… And sure enough, there he was.</p><p>“Dad, I’d like to talk to you,” Ben said, sitting down on the other end of the couch. Curious, Han turned off the program and twisted his body a little.</p><p>“What is it, little bandit?”</p><p>Ben couldn’t help but feel his ears heat up at the old childhood nickname. It had been so long since he’d heard it.</p><p>“Though I must warn you, your mother will kill me if I know what’s up with this Rey kid before she does. So you should tell us at the same time.”</p><p>Of course, ever the devout husband.</p><p>“That’s not it, but sure,” Ben muttered to himself, settling into the couch a little more comfortably. “I wanted to talk about working with you at the company.”</p><p>Attention now fully on his son, Han turned so he was truly facing him.</p><p>“What about it, kid? You wanna back out?”</p><p>Quickly, Ben shook his head no, and watched as his father released a breath of relief.</p><p>Huh.</p><p>“I just needed to tell you about a couple of clauses, I suppose. Master —Luke agreed to release me on the condition that I would return every couple of months to fulfill certain high-level missions. And… I know about the forces that mom is putting together, and I’d like to be of use to her.”</p><p>Han frowned, evidently surprised by his son’s words.</p><p>“How did you… I understand the first part, but the operative your mother is leading isn’t common knowledge. How…” Han shook his head at himself, as if he was trying to give himself the answer.</p><p>“Remember the dream I had?” Ben asked, and his father nodded. “I know things. How to help. How to save the galaxy once more.”</p><p>
  <em>I know, because I helped destroy it.</em>
</p><p>He also helped save it, but that was much more of an afterthought.</p><p>“Kid, it sounds like you want to run yourself ragged,” Han huffed, one elbow on the armrest and the other arm behind the backrest. He looked relaxed, cool —Ben had spent a long time trying to imitate his cool father, to no avail.</p><p>“They are things I must do,” Ben shrugged, and truly, Han knew what that look in his eye meant. He wouldn’t back down, no matter what Han or Leia said.</p><p>That was fine, too.</p><p>It meant it was something important enough to fight over.</p><p>“Okay then,” Han shrugged. “I’ll make sure your schedule allows that. What else?”</p><p>Thankful for the reprieve (though having never doubted his father’s devil-may-care attitude), Ben continued.</p><p>“I’d like it if… You allowed Rey to remain here, with you. I’m looking to start renting a room next month, so I can’t take her with me. She needs a home.”</p><p>Confused, Han lost some of his relaxed stance.</p><p>“You want to move out?”</p><p>He’d only just come back home!</p><p>“Yes. We both know if I don’t we’ll start fighting sooner rather than later.” When Han opened his mouth to protest, Ben shot him a look that was so much like Leia’s the old smuggler was forced to shut his mouth. “I promise to come over once a week.”</p><p><em>To see Rey</em>, Ben didn’t say.</p><p>Han took a while to answer, simply gazing at his son. He’d sent him away to train with his brother-in-law much too young; ten years old was such a tender age, and he and Leia’d had such little time for visits. It had been a funny feeling: like he’d managed to wash his hands off of one beloved responsibility at the cost of parenthood. When Ben announced he’d quit the Jedi, a part of Han had been overjoyed, feeling like <em>this</em> would be his chance to make things right and build a relationship with his son. Now, it felt like once more his son was being ripped from his hold —and he had no say.</p><p>If only he could say all this.</p><p>“We’ll take care of Rey, kid.” Han finally sighed, defeated by his own thoughts. “I can tell she’ll grow on us quick.”</p><p>Ben stood up suddenly, giving his back to his father. Startled, Han was about to chide his kid over bad manners when he realized from Ben’s profile that… his son was smiling.</p><p>“Thank you, dad.”</p><p>It was a mumble, but the words stayed with Han even as Ben left the room.</p><hr/><p>Ben Solo’s bed was her new favorite thing, Rey decided.</p><p>It had a firm mattress, but the bedding was so soft it was how she imagined it felt to lie down on a cloud. Also, the <em>smell</em>… It was so much stronger than on the ship. She only felt a <em>little</em> guilty about burying her nose in the pillows, much too happy to keep this scent with her a little longer. It smelled warm and, to her lonely self, familiar.</p><p>She wondered what tomorrow would bring. If she’d really work for Ben’s dad, if his parents would like her. She also thought about her AT-AT back in Jakku and her Tick Wall, which had so many missed days scratched on.</p><p>Mostly, she wondered if she’d made the right choice of leaving her only home —abandoning the meek hope that someday her parents would come back for her.</p><p>It was just that… Ben made her hope for <em>other</em> things. Sure, he was most definitely the cutest boy —<em>man</em>— she’d ever met, and the way he made her insides tingle was quite pleasant. She’d certainly never <em>giggled</em> before meeting him. But he also made her think that she could be more than an unknown scavenger, and he respected her opinions like she was someone smart. Not that she’d thought she wasn’t; people just tended to ignore the words of teenagers with much ease.</p><p>He’d offered food and shelter to a nobody.</p><p>Rey wondered if he knew just how much he’d made her heart tangle up in a dance.</p><hr/><p>Leia arrived back at the apartment nearly at midnight, which meant the trio had already had dinner a long time ago. Slowly, she let her straight back curve, her tired feet drag and her wide eyes drop. It had been a long day, which meant she’d had to be strong throughout that time.</p><p>Surprisingly, she found Ben in the living room.</p><p>“Ben? What are you doing still up?” Leia asked, dropping her things on a kitchen chair. She saw that he was bundled up with a blanket, upper body twisted so he was resting his chin on his forearm while looking out the glass wall. Slowly, he turned to look at her; he looked pensive, making Leia relax. Due to how long her meetings ran, she’d been expecting a tantrum from her son.</p><p>“I was waiting for you,” Ben confessed. “We need to talk.”</p><p>Pressing her lips together, Leia nodded and moved to sit down beside him on the long couch. She looked up at him and met his eyes; as always, his mother looked determined and solemn.</p><p>“So, talk.”</p><p>She looked like the princess she’d once been, ready to face the music with her head held high. Despite how much his mother’s stubbornness had always grated on Ben’s nerves, at this point all he could do was admire her. Few people were as respectable as Leia Organa, and she was most definitely worthy.</p><p>“It wasn’t a dream,” Ben said, not wanting to beat around the bush. Leia’s eyes did not waver, yet he couldn’t help but notice how one of her hands curled into a fist. “I went back in time to a month ago somehow. I… I tried following my grandfather’s footsteps and failed. I killed Han Solo and nearly killed you. You died from the effort of reaching out to me, and I died reviving my soulmate. Everything I told you was true.”</p><p>Leia had a face that could melt ice, and Ben wasn’t all that sure where that ire was directed at. Still, this was something he had to do.</p><p>“Why are you telling me this? Is it… to break my heart?”</p><p>Grim, Ben shook his head no. It ached, knowing his mother’s first thought was that was mean enough to wish her bad things.</p><p>“I will help you defeat the First Order. Everything you need to know, every key player, every planet that is associated with them, I will feed you information as we go. I will help you destroy them from the inside out.”</p><p>Eyes round, the shaking in Leia’s fists was evident then. She was doing all she could to keep her emotions in check, and failing.</p><p>“I feel like there is a condition.”</p><p>Ben nodded.</p><p>“Rey will not be joining the Resistance. If and when she solicits it, as the General you can decide whether or not to let her in. But she will lead a normal life while she still can.”</p><p>At this, Leia couldn’t help but frown.</p><p>“But Ben, her Force—”</p><p>“No,” Ben’s eyes flashed with a warning, and for once, his mother listened. “If you try to rally her to your side before she’s ready, I’ll stop helping. And believe me, with my information you will save millions of lives.”</p><p>Her heart dropped.</p><p>Was he not doing this for the right reasons? Was he really weighing a girl against the fate of a galaxy, just like his grandfather had? No, already this was different from what Anakin had done; she couldn’t let herself fear, not right now. Her son had already told her of how badly she’d messed up —and she had no doubt of his words. The eyes of this Ben were much different than the ones she’d seen the last time.</p><p>Wiser, older, calmer, sadder.</p><p>So much sadder.</p><p>“Very well,” Leia sighed, unclenching her fists. “I give you my word.”</p><p>Ben relaxed, satisfied.</p><p>As his mother retired to her bedroom, he lied down and stretched his body across the couch. He looked up at the ceiling and, closing his eyes, released a satisfied sigh.</p><p>Nothing else mattered if he could keep his soulmate alive.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I guess it's important for me to point out that Ben rejected Kylo Ren for the people he loved, not necessarily out of conviction. Ben will change throughout the story, but as of now we all know his list: Rey always comes first. </p><p>Also, I see Ben's motivation for keeping Rey from the Resistance as both trying to keep the timeline and giving her what he can of a war-free childhood. I know for a few this'll seem like Ben is overstepping as a partner, but remember that as of now he feels responsible for Rey, much like a guardian would. Like a parent/guardian should, all Ben wants is to keep her safe and to lead a simple life. </p><p>Have a good weekend!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Ongoing Warfare</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy Friday people!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Oh thank God, we’re here,” Voe moaned as soon as the ship settled on the landing of his parents’ apartment. He would’ve directed the ship towards his own building, that is, if it had been big enough for a landing pad.</p><p>One month ago (two months after fleeing with Rey from Jakku) Ben got a comm from his uncle requesting his assistance in freeing a Force-sensitive child from a trafficking ring in Eriadu, and that he’d get picked up within the next hour by Tai, Voe and Hennix. Apparently, they needed someone who could mobilize a large quantity of people (might as well save the rest) with the Force without hurting anyone.</p><p>Unfortunately for Ben, he was the most skilled in… Well, most areas.</p><p>He would have told his uncle to do the job himself, but that would’ve been difficult. After letting the cat out of the bag, they decided that Luke should scatter the Jedi school throughout the galaxy, so he was the only person who knew where everyone was. That, and they decided to hide him in… Ahch-To.</p><p>Another top secret.</p><p>Any-who.</p><p>True to the message, Ben barely had time to let his father know and hurry home to pack a bag.</p><p>The entire mission was a success, much to everyone’s surprise. Well, the first part anyway. The way to Eriadu took just over four days, and they used that time to go over the plan of how they’d carry out the mission. Hennix and Ben took turns piloting, and Ben was grateful for the reprieve from having to coexist with Voe. She kept pestering him to tell her the real reason why he left the Praxeum, which had gotten old the first time she asked. He’d resorted to his old ways: ignoring her. She’d huffed and turned her nose up at him, a smirk on her face that seemed to say she <em>knew</em> he hadn’t really changed.</p><p>In itself, the mission had been well executed, thanks to the intel having been accurate for once. They waited for three days for the trafficker to arrive, hiding out in a measly inn. Tai incapacitated the old Empire-era walker which carried the fifteen prisoners and a Force-sensitive child, while Voe and Hennix fought off the guards. Meanwhile, Ben snuck inside and blew off the emergency exit, leading the people (with a little coaxing from the Force due to a handful of traumatized minds) off of the transport. Thankfully, he didn’t have to probe deep inside anyone’s subconscious.</p><p>The only problem came when fucking Voe and Hennix let one mercenary slip, who then blasted Ben in the thigh.</p><p>It wasn’t that he didn’t see it coming: he did. It was just that he’d been in the process of <em>telekinetically moving sixteen bodies down to ground safety</em>. They were four meters off the ground, and he couldn’t bet on any of these heavily malnourished prisoners surviving the fall. So, he forced himself not to break his concentration and let himself get shot.</p><p>Which <em>hurt</em>, thank you very much.</p><p>He nearly got shot again, but thankfully the walker shook and the mercenary missed his mark. Ben took the moment to finish setting down his cargo and, without missing a beat, summoned his lightsaber and lit it. The mercenary wasn’t counting on him being a Jedi, thanks to his civilian garb, and took to blasting off consecutive shots. Ben reflected them all; scowling, he crooked a finger and brought the mercenary closer to him.</p><p>The lightsaber ran through him much too easily.</p><p>Panting, Ben let the body drop. He looked up and met Hennix and Voe’s eyes: they looked shocked, like they’d just seen him do something new. Oh, right. In this life, Ben Solo had never killed a soul.</p><p>It was not the Jedi way.</p><p><em>Did they expect me to thank him for shooting me in the leg?</em> Ben thought, rolling his eyes. Then he turned around and jumped down from the walker.</p><p>“<em>Fuuuck!</em>”</p><p>His <em>leg</em>, damn it.</p><hr/><p>The trip back to Hosnian Prime had been much worse. First, Voe decided to be inquisitive while Tai was Force-healing his wound.</p><p>“Since when do you favor Ataru?” Voe asked, making him close his eyes with a groan. Right, back in the Praxeum he’d favored the Jedi combat style called Niman, which was an amalgamation of techniques. He still preferred it, truth be told, but he’d become more adept at other styles during his time with Snoke.</p><p>Not that he’d tell her.</p><p>So, he gave her a vague answer and focused on Tai; eventually, Voe left in a huff, probably off to coax the Force-sensitive child into joining the Jedi.</p><p>“I thought you’d get rusty without practice,” Tai admitted, drawing his hands back as a signal that he was done. Ben thanked him and sat up, noticing through the hole in his pants that it had left a scar. Whatever.</p><p>“Who says I haven’t been practicing?” Ben retorted, making his only friend shake his head and sigh.</p><p>“I wish I could understand your decision. You are the best Jedi of our generation.” Tai said this without pretense or jealousy, simply stating a fact. Ben took it as such, and simply parroted the same reasons he’d given everyone else. He had no wish to hurt anyone. “You know, you didn’t have to kill that mercenary.”</p><p>Ben looked down at his shoes, wondering in the back of his mind how he’d fix the hole in his pants. They’d been expensive, too.</p><p>He answered truthfully.</p><p>“We’re at war, Tai. Nobody <em>has</em> to die, and yet.”</p><p>After that, they dropped off the kid at Malastare. The kid’s family was from there, and he wished to remain with them for a while before making any decision, promising to comm them if he changed his mind. In gratitude over saving their nephew, they let the knights stay for a couple of nights. The kid’s uncle also fixed Ben’s pants, which was a plus.</p><p>After that, they dropped Hennix off at Devaron, where he’d been stationed during the last month. After that it was just a matter of dropping Ben off and returning to their respective bases.</p><p>Never a graceful host, but not a complete asshole either, Ben invited Tai and Voe into his parents’ apartment for dinner before they set off. If Voe hadn’t been there he’d have invited Tai to stay the night, but, well.</p><p>He preferred to keep his blood pressure where it was.</p><p>Tired and in serious need of a bath, Ben opened the door to his parents’ apartment. The moment he opened the door, however, a small body crashed into his chest. Instinctively, he caught the body, dropping his duffel bag.</p><p>“You’re home!” Rey squealed in his ear, her arms around his neck nearly tight enough to choke him, her legs wrapped around his waist firmly.</p><p>“How did you know it was me?” Ben asked, shocked even as his arms tightened so she wouldn’t fall. “I didn’t even comm.”</p><p>“I’m not sure,” Rey murmured in his ear. Before he could wonder what that meant, he felt Rey stiffen. “Hi,” she squeaked out, her hold loosening on him.</p><p>“Hello,” he heard Tai echo with amusement, and a grunt that might have been Voe’s greeting. As Rey got down Ben stepped aside so that his old peers could go in, and thankfully, they didn’t spare the duo another glance as they made their way instinctively to the kitchen.</p><p>“Your parents aren’t home,” Rey mumbled, looking down. Ben knew this much already, but he thanked her anyway for the information. He closed the front door and was about to invite Rey to eat when she tugged at his jacket’s sleeve. He paused. “You left without saying goodbye.”</p><p>Oh.</p><p>
  <em>No.</em>
  
</p><p>Kicking his own ass internally, Ben let his shoulders slump down. How could he have been so stupid? Kriffing moron.</p><p>“Rey, I’m <em>so</em> sorry,” Ben hissed through his teeth, eyes squeezed shut. “I was in such a hurry —that’s no excuse, but I…” He sighed. “I’m a tool.”</p><p>“It’s ok,” Rey said, her voice small. He opened his eyes and saw her looking down, teeth clamping down on her bottom lip.</p><p>“No, it’s not,” Ben said. “I won’t do it again.”</p><p>He could see how much she still hurt, so he hunched over and wrapped her in the warmest hug he could. She buried her nose in his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist, returning the hug just as tightly.</p><p>He’d been too startled before to enjoy her hug, but now, he could feel how happy the Force bond became due to the close distance. A few times during the mission he could feel the bond start to tug as if it wanted to rip open, but it never did. Disappointed, he’d chucked it up to the timing not being right.</p><p>Hugging his soulmate was… peaceful. Nobody’d hugged Ben much as a kid, and he knew the same was true for Rey; it explained why the two couldn’t help but be the slightest bit tense, as though they didn’t know the correct protocol for hugging. Despite this, neither seemed willing to let go: the warmth they were receiving felt unique.</p><p>It was odd for Ben, that his first time truly hugging his soulmate there were no romantic feelings on his end. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that there were no sexual feelings instead; he still wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, and hug her, and kiss her forehead whenever he could. He just… felt like this was a kid, when the first Rey he’d met had been a woman. This version of her was still a head shorter and only just gaining curves (and he really couldn’t judge her growth based on the breast department).</p><p>He squeezed her one last time before slowly releasing her. Again, she was blushing.</p><p>“Come on, I’ll introduce you to my friends,” Ben said, throwing an arm around her shoulders and tugging her along.</p><p>“Fine,” Rey muttered, feeling disappointed when Ben released her as they neared the kitchen.</p><p>“Guys,” Ben said, not surprised when he saw that Voe and Tai had already helped themselves to the fridge. “This is Rey. She works for my father.”</p><p>Surprised, they saw the teenager blush and fight a scowl at the same time.</p><p>“Ben’s being humble. He picked me up from Jakku,” Rey said, thankful that at least he didn’t introduce her along the lines of being like a little sister. She saw the surprise on their faces, but couldn’t tell why that was.</p><p>As they talked, Ben took over preparing dinner, pulling out vegetables and meat from the fridge.</p><p>“That dump? What were you even doing there, Ben?” The bald man asked, but carried on when Ben didn’t answer. “It’s nice to meet you, Rey. I’m Tai, and this is Voe. We’re Ben’s friends from the Jedi Order.”</p><p>At this, Rey’s eyes widened.</p><p>When she’d asked Han where Ben had run off to, all she’d gotten was a noncommittal answer; something about going for a kid. She hadn’t really put two and two together, even though she knew that Ben was at his uncle’s beck and call.</p><p>“Oh!” Rey blinked quickly, as if trying to rid herself of an uncomfortable thought. “It’s nice to meet you, too.”</p><p>She wasn’t sure yet whether or not this was true.</p><p>“So, you were on a mission?” Rey asked, unable to help her curiosity. The three of them looked absolutely exhausted, and it occurred to her that if the answer was yes, then they’d been on a job for an entire month.</p><p>“Yes,” Voe, the pretty woman with the white braids and icy eyes, answered. “Top secret, kid. Sorry we can’t tell you about it.”</p><p>She didn’t sound sorry at all, which Rey thought was unnecessary.</p><p>Tai gave a look to his friend, but did not refute the claim.</p><p>“Anyways, so you work for Han Solo? What do you do?” Tai asked kindly, trying to smooth over Voe’s aggressiveness. Mostly, he’d seen Ben’s shoulders tense like he was about to <em>finally</em> stick his foot up the woman’s ass.</p><p>“I’m a mechanic,” Rey puffed her chest out proudly. “Han says I’m a natural.”</p><p>She couldn’t help but brag, but who could blame her? She’d never really gotten praised before, and certainly not with such an appraising eye. She didn’t get the feeling that her boss was the type to dole out empty compliments. Not only that, but Chewie (Han’s best friend and business partner) had agreed with the sentiment, adding a few more kind words.</p><p>She’d taken a great liking to both men, truth be told.</p><p>“I wouldn’t trust a word that smuggler says,” Voe snorted, shrugging her shoulders and snapping her wrist as she fed herself a grape.</p><p>“Voe!” Tai exclaimed, but this time, Ben merely scowled.</p><p>“What? Ben says it all the time!” She poorly defended herself, chewing on another grape. Ben was about to step in when Rey beat him to it.</p><p>“Well, that’s his father. And I <em>am</em> talented, so why wouldn’t I believe him?” Rey frowned at the woman. At first, she hadn’t been able to help a trickle of jealousy from coursing through her veins, thinking of how long Ben and Voe had known each other —if they’d ever dated, if Ben found the woman beautiful. Now, she just wanted to kick the rude Jedi out.</p><p>“Kriff, alright. Don’t all gang up on me,” Voe muttered, rolling her eyes so hard she must’ve seen her missing brain cells. At least, Rey hoped.</p><p>To everyone’s relief, Tai and Voe all but inhaled their food, stopped by the fresher and hopped back in their ship. Apparently, they were behind schedule. </p><p>Ben came back from bidding them goodbye, and he released such a big yawn that Rey couldn’t help but catch it.</p><p>“Why don’t you sleep here?” Rey asked, rubbing the corner of her eyes. “It’s late already.”</p><p>True, it was nearly midnight, and he had to walk back to his apartment.</p><p>He yawned again.</p><p>“Yes, you’re right. Then, I’ll head to bed. Goodnight, Rey.”</p><p>“Goodnight, Ben,” she whispered, watching him retreat into his bedroom.</p><p>It was only when the door shut that she realized she hadn’t exactly <em>asked</em> for permission to keep using his bedroom, having disliked the coldness of the guest room. She paced in her spot for a couple of minutes, wide awake now. Did she ask for forgiveness? Did she fake amnesia? Lie that she’d asked his parents?</p><p>Not knowing the answer, but sure she needed to fix things, she quietly knocked on the bedroom door. Nobody answered.</p><p>Still, she carefully opened the door —and found that Ben had <em>already</em> passed out on his bed, outdoor clothes and all. She tiptoed inside and carefully took off his shoes, placing them at the foot of the bed. She heard the beginnings of a soft snore, and smiled to herself.</p><p>“Sweet dreams,” she whispered, and shut the door behind her.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next up: A time skip</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Cheese in the Trap</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first mission Ben helped his mother with involved a Resistance fighter going deep undercover.</p><p>They chose the soldier (read: sacrificial lamb) easily enough: Rose Tico, a new recruit, offered to go. She wasn’t a pilot like her sister, and the rage of her town being destroyed by the First Order was still fresh —she wanted to contribute to the Resistance however she could. There were other volunteers, but Ben dismissed them: he remembered the petite girl clearly from the target’s memories. Before the end, amidst one of their typical arguments Kylo had torn into the redhead’s mind: he’d been very good at hiding his thoughts (evident in how easily he carried out his betrayal), but he’d had been unable to hide the lingering whispers of interest in a certain Resistance girl who’d bitten his finger.</p><p>The plan was to have Rose Tico gain Armitage Hux’s trust.</p><p>It wouldn’t be easy. Hux was a suspicious man by nature, and the only person he’d ever (roughly) trusted had been Captain Phasma —and that had been only because she’d helped kill Hux’s father. As of now, Brendol Hux was still alive; that would mark the true beginning of Hux’s bloodshed.</p><p>Ben knew little about his ex-rival, but what he did know was that, just like him, he was a man deeply starved of affection. He was also thirsty for power. Ben let his mother and Rose know that they could go either route in engaging the man, but there was only one catch: Rose could never meet with Snoke. Neither knew who he was talking about, but Ben didn’t elaborate —who the person was and why she should avoid him. They would find out in due time.</p><p>It took Ben one month to localize Hux through farsight, and then another when the latter suddenly moved through hyperspeed and wound up in the other side of the galaxy. The moment his next location was down, Rose moved in —disguised as an incoming mechanic for the First Order. Her job was to create opportunities to meet Hux.</p><p>Time moved far too quickly after that. Soon enough, it had been a year since Ben had woken up in his old Jedi Praxeum bed… since he’d come back to live.</p><p>The toughest thing, by far, was rebuilding his relationship with his family.</p><p>How wonderful would it have been, if no one knew the terrible things he’d been capable of? Well, at least his father still thought it was a dream; he was still the awkward father he’d always been, but at least now Ben knew to look for the small loving gestures. How there was a holo-frame of him in Han’s office, looking sullenly at the camera with his hair pulled back and ears sticking out. The way Han kept insisting that once he retired, the Falcon would be Ben’s. The morning caf that was always waiting for him in Chewie’s old office, now his. How Han commed Ben endlessly until he knew that Ben was safely in his apartment.</p><p>Leia was more difficult, though this time around Ben found it hard to blame her. She and Rey hardly interacted because of Leia’s absence, but Ben knew that Rey admired his mother for being such a strong leader. He could see first hand how much galaxy-wide peace meant to Leia, and the way it completely consumed her trying to save lives and put her army to good use. She had many nights where she didn’t come home in order to put together a rescue mission, or to finish hashing out a plan that would save at least one life. It was a heavy weight, one that Ben understood from his time as Supreme Leader. Still, this didn’t mean he couldn’t resent her in some corner of his heart —even back then, he hadn’t had a child to care for and a partner to come home to. He could see how weary she was of him, too: the attentive eyes scrutinizing him when he swung by for breakfast, the suspicious air whenever she felt him meditating in the living room. He would have diminished his visits had it not been for Rey.</p><p>Rey.</p><p>Getting to know her had been the most rewarding experience he could think of. She was a quick-thinker, kind, curious, a little naive, very strong. Her only weakness was like one his many: their loneliness. He could tell she tried not thinking about her parents all she could, and more than once he nearly broke down and told her the truth, but he figured she’d search for it when she was ready.</p><p>(Objectively, she had more flaws. She was resistant to showering every day, her table manners left much to be desired, she was much too easily fooled, her stubbornness only rivaled Leia's and she could not wait to pick a wedgie in private. Ben, despite reason, was charmed by these things.)</p><p>Rey also formed a strong bond with Han, Chewie and even Lando —a man Ben couldn’t remember the last time they’d met. They were a fearsome quartet, especially when they decided to teach Rey how to play Dejarik; it only took her three weeks to beat every one of them, though she was still working on beating Ben. He was the only one not willing to go easy on her.</p><p>She said once that it felt like she’d found a family full of funny uncles. She’d looked a little sad when saying that, and Ben had gently nudged her foot with his. She’d briefly met his eyes, hazel eyes damp.</p><p>
  <em>“They’ll be your family any time you want.”</em>
  
</p><p>Even though he said that, he could tell she had a hard time accepting it. This made Ben feel even guiltier about the time he’d snapped at her that Han Solo would have disappointed her as a father figure. He’d been so jealous to think his father liked someone better than him that he’d lashed out at the wrong person. She’d been looking for belonging, not a father. Han had been looking to put his heart together, not a new child.</p><p>So many mistakes.</p><p>He’d do his best to fix them.</p><hr/><p>“… just the antenna, nothing else.”</p><p>Ben wanted to destroy something, preferably nothing that would cost him money. He’d actually had to kick that habit when he started working for his father; it turns out that, if you’re not going to be or are the Supreme Leader and you hack things up, you get billed.</p><p>It was either that or go back to living with his parents to afford paying damages, which was in no way desirable.</p><p>The reason for his never-ending rage was New Republic Commander Poe Dameron. Apparently, the pilot had joined the Resistance not too long ago; hearing that his General’s husband ran a successful shipping company, he decided to swing by the company. It was how, a month ago, he and Rey had met.</p><p>He supposed it would have been too much to ask for, that Rey not engage with friends from her past life. He should have seen it coming that they’d been friends for a reason. Dameron was a thorn in his side, and this was largely due to how enamored Rey looked with the pilot. Whenever the <em>twenty-seven year old</em> spoke, it looked like Rey had stars in her eyes.</p><p>He was way too friendly, even now. The duo was squatted down in front of Dameron’s astromerch droid, BB-8. Knee to knee. Dameron’s face <em>way</em> too close to Rey’s.</p><p>He had to put an end to this madness.</p><p>“Dameron. Care to explain what you’re doing here on a Centaxday at 8 o’clock distracting my mechanic?” Ben scowled furiously, crossing his arms over his chest. Dameron looked up, and much to Ben’s fury, the pilot smirked.</p><p>Throughout the last year, Ben had trained and bulked up his body a little further from what it had been before he died, having disliked the feeling of being skinny. He’d also grown out his hair, successfully hiding his ears once more. He knew he must have looked intimidating, but the pilot was as irreverent as always.</p><p>“Benny Boy! You’re looking good man. Is that a new jacket?” It was. “I came here to see my friend about a misbehaving droid. Turns out it was, <em>again</em>, the antenna.”</p><p>Ben couldn’t help rolling his eyes.</p><p>“It’s a fabric defect with the BB series. You might as well buy a new—” already, Rey and Dameron were pulling indignant faces at the <em>idea</em> that he might suggest— “antenna.”</p><p>Their expressions relaxed.</p><p>“It’s not a bad idea,” Rey said, fiddling with BB-8’s control panel. “Everything else is working fine, and I think the antenna will keep acting up.”</p><p>Reluctant to spend that money, but trusting the young mechanic, Dameron nodded.</p><p>“Now that that’s solved, could you stop bothering my workers?” Ben scowled. Smirking, Poe stood up, patting his legs to get rid of the dust.</p><p>“Rey, I’ll be right back. Could you take care of BB for me?” Poe asked, but he didn’t glance down at the teenager. Rey murmured her assent, too entertained with chatting with BB-8 to care much where its owner went.</p><p>Silently, Ben and Poe headed to Ben’s office, where they closed the door.</p><p>They sat down on the chairs which faced Ben’s desk.</p><p>“What’s the message?” Ben asked, beating Poe to the punch before the pilot could make dumb small talk.</p><p>“Rose Tico reported that Commandant Brendol Hux is dead. Assassinated by a mercenary in a brothel.”</p><p>Ben was careful to hide the shock from his face.</p><p>It wasn’t that he was surprised <em>Brendol</em> was dead, but that it was a year early —and the method was wholly unlike Hux. Near the end of his life, Kylo Ren had come to find out the plan Hux and Phasma had carried out to kill Brendol; it had been covert and untraceable, nothing at all like this.</p><p>Still, he was unable to hide how unsettled he was by the news, and Poe could tell. However, he wrongly inferred that this was because of the apparent power-play at hand.</p><p>“We’ve got no idea who did it. I mean, we’ve got suspects, sure; Rose did say in her very first report how crappy Brendol’s relationship was with his son. <em>But</em>, she also said Hux is too smart to make up a show like this. I think she’s right.”</p><p>Ben sighed, running a hand through his hair.</p><p>“Kriff,” Ben couldn’t help but curse. “Tell Rose to dig for Brendol’s latest mission reports. Also, we need to put together a list of potential beneficiaries from Brendol’s death, including who will move up in the chain of command.”</p><p>“What about the mercenary?”</p><p>Ben shook his head.</p><p>“Dead already. It would be too risky to keep them alive,” Ben said, leaning back on the chair. “Though it might be worth looking through Brendol’s house for clues.”</p><p>Poe nodded and stood up.</p><p>“Should we expect you at tonight’s meeting?”</p><p>“No, I have a mountain load of work,” Ben motioned towards the holo-projector with his schedule on it. “Tell the General to ask for Hennix if she does send someone to Brendol’s place. He is good at stealth missions.”</p><p>Due to the Jedi Praxeum’s survival, this time around there were available knights to help out the Resistance. Every once in a while, Leia asked her brother to send her someone.</p><p>Dameron sighed dramatically.</p><p>“I’ll never understand how the tiny General gave birth to such a big, scowling baby.” Poe said, and when Ben reflexively frowned, the pilot smiled delightedly as if he’d been proven right. “Anyways, I’m leaving now. Take care of Rey, alright? She’s a good kid.”</p><p>Ben mimicked him in his head. As if he didn’t know.</p><p>“Do not make it a habit of swinging by,” Ben muttered, watching as the pilot opened the door. Poe winked, and without another word, stepped out. Ben heard him whistle for his droid, and the little ball came screeching towards his owner.</p><p>Despite how much Ben tried, he didn’t walk as cool as Dameron swaggered. Perhaps it was the arrogance of a man who’d always gotten away with his misdeeds, knowing he’d be beloved no matter what.</p><p>It was a handful of minutes before Rey came knocking at his door.</p><p>“Ben?”</p><p>Instantly, he put down his holo-pad.</p><p>“Rey? What’s up?”</p><p>She was wearing overalls which where two sizes too big on her, her hair in the usual do and construction boots. In Ben’s eyes, she looked adorable.</p><p>“Um, I just wanted to know if I could hang out here until your shift is over,” Rey mumbled.</p><p>Due to Hosnian Prime’s strict child laws, teenagers couldn’t work more than six standard hours shifts a day. Rey usually worked in the morning and went to technical school in the evening, hoping to get certified as a mechanic. Whenever she could, she’d hitch a ride from Ben or Han. The only thing Ben found odd was that she was just now being shy.</p><p>“Of course,” Ben said, and motioned to the chair in front of him. “Though you might want to ask Han to give you a ride back home. It’s likely I’ll be here until late.”</p><p>Rey waved off his concern, curling herself into the seat; she took off her boots and brought her legs up to her chest, resting her cheek on her knees. She stared at him.</p><p>“Why do you hate Poe?” Rey asked.</p><p>Ben would have been surprised, but he’d quickly found out that nobody in the galaxy could read him quite like Rey did.</p><p>He shrugged.</p><p>“He grates on my nerves.” This was the truth. “Why? Do you… like him?”</p><p>Rey took a moment to answer, pensive.</p><p>“I guess,” Rey shrugged, and couldn’t help but admit the next part without her ears heating up. “I like you better though.”</p><p>That day, people swore they saw Ben Solo smile.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Honestly, people. Why am I like this? I just wanted to write feel-good romance, and here I am rewriting a galaxy soap opera.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Fiddler on the Moon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>An eventful chapter.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was going to upload this on Friday, but then I was like, I can't not post today. </p><p>May the Fourth be with you! &gt;.&lt;</p><p>Content warning in end notes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Rey turned fifteen (a random date she’d chosen to celebrate), Ben was in an off-world mission.</p><p>To be more precise, he went to meet with Luke. It had been about two years since his uncle had decided to drop off the map, and Ben had only gone to visit him once. It took a lot of effort on his part, too —he was much too aware of the bad blood that had laid between them once, and it wasn’t easy to ignore. The worst part was, Ben had <em>truly</em> respected his uncle once —had thought that he’d grow up to be just like the Jedi who’d defeated <em>the</em> Darth Vader. Even if it was true that Luke’s hesitation had lasted only a moment, the truth remained that he’d <em>thought</em> of killing his nephew due to fear. Ben, despite having murdered his own father, had hated himself and lacked conviction every moment throughout and thereafter. Not that he could justify himself —he was worse than his uncle.</p><p>Still, Ben had to visit Luke in order to give an update about the Jedi Praxeum’s state. Tai, Hennix and Voe’s missions had run smoothly all this time —well, there was that time Hennix lost a tentacle, but altogether, the mission had been accomplished. They’d also managed to silently recruit another handful of students, which was quite a feat considering how sparse Force-sensitive beings had become, and how well hidden they normally were.</p><p>Ben also supplied more information on the being that was Snoke, not yet ready to admit that the entity behind the mask was Palpatine. He was working on their elimination anyway, so he felt that he should keep it from his family as long as he could.</p><p>
  <em>“Be careful not to exhaust yourself, Ben,” Luke had bid adieu. “Also, send Leia my love.”</em>
</p><p>With an eye-roll, Ben had promised.</p><p>He was only gone for a week, but when he came back it felt like a year had gone by. He’d made a long trip in half the usual time, not wanting to be away from home much longer. Ben knew his parents wouldn’t be home at that time of night —not on a weekend. His parents’ apartment was quiet when he arrived, but he could easily feel Rey’s Force signature within his old bedroom —now Rey’s. She’d really made it her own the last few years, and Ben couldn’t say that he disliked it. Instead of feeling like he didn’t have a room any longer, it felt like his space had gained life.</p><p>Honestly, Ben didn’t think twice about not knocking on the bedroom door. To be fair, he’d been ten when he’d left his home —he’d never needed privacy, and the Jedi Praxeum rooms didn’t exactly <em>have</em> doors. It was therefore only rational that he’d never thought about knocking in terms of privacy.</p><p>Except, he quickly learned his lesson.</p><p>One moment he was opening the door to his old bedroom, and then he <em>died</em>. He was about to greet Rey, but then he realized she was lying on the bed with her pants around her ankles, cheeks flushed and a hand between her open legs. The two locked eyes for a fraction of a second before Rey was suddenly screeching, <em>“No!”</em> and then he was hurled out of the room, the door slamming in his face.</p><p>Oh.</p><p>Oh no.</p><p>Oh Maker <em>no</em>.</p><p>Face flaming red, Ben realized quickly that he was currently facing two <em>huge</em> problems.</p><p>The first was that he’d accidentally walked in on his fifteen-year-old soulmate masturbating. The only way he could feel about it was embarrassed. For her, to have such an intimate moment be witnessed, and for him, who would never be able to burn that image from his mind. Thankfully, nothing down below reacted —there were too many feelings swirling in his head for that, primarily the horror that his soulmate had already started doing <em>that</em> when he’d only discovered self-pleasure at twenty. Because no matter how aware Ben was that Rey was still too young, the last few months she’d gained curves and lost baby fat; looking far too similar to the woman Ben’d had a fair share of dirty dreams about. He didn’t want <em>this</em> Rey like that quite yet, but he couldn’t stop superimposing her with the Rey he’d known. He wondered how long he had left before he started remembering the sexual feelings he had for this woman.</p><p>The second problem was that Rey had used the Force to push him out of the room.</p><p>Now, this wasn’t a <em>problem</em> per se —it was part of who Rey was, and Ben would never deny her this. However, he wasn’t ready for all the implications. What if the Force bond activated, and Rey was able to dig through his memories despite his walls? She’d find out about his past sins. She’d hate him, and he couldn’t have that.</p><p>He was afraid.</p><p>He was so afraid he wanted to shut himself in a room and never come out, but he could think of one person who currently had it worse than him. He had to be there for her, and so he steeled himself, knocking on her door.</p><p>“Rey? May I come in?”</p><p>He heard some shuffling, and then something that sounded akin to a yes. Slowly, Ben opened the door; instead of a teenager, all he could see was a big ball underneath the duvet. Inwardly beating himself up, he approached the bed and sat down on the edge.</p><p>“Sunshine,” Ben said, using the nickname he’d given her a few months after bringing her into his home. The bond, which still slept, blinked. “It’s ok. I didn’t see anything.”</p><p>That was an outright lie.</p><p>The first he’d ever told her —but he was too transparent.</p><p>“You’re lying,” Rey’s muffled voice muttered, and to Ben’s great pain, he could hear the tears in her voice.</p><p>“Oh —<em>Rey</em>,” Ben quickly curled himself around her body, patting what he thought was her back. “It is alright, it really is. What —I mean, it is normal. Everyone does it. I should have knocked.”</p><p>He felt like he heard a sniffle, so he hugged her tighter.</p><p>“You should have,” Rey replied, and thankfully, he felt like she didn’t sound as tearful as before. “I’ve never been more embarrassed.”</p><p>Neither had he, truth be told.</p><p>“I am <em>so</em> sorry,” Ben said, and something in the back of his mind commented on how he’d never apologized to anyone as readily as he did to Rey. The only person he was more apologetic to was his father, and he was doing his damndest this time around to be a better son. “You’re —growing up. I will be more mindful in the future.”</p><p>Ever so slowly, the duvet started lowering. He could only see the top of her head, though.</p><p>“You won’t kick me out? I… Did <em>that</em> on your bed…”</p><p>Ben would have blushed, thinking about all the times <em>he’d</em> done <em>that</em> on his bed, but he was too distracted by the senseless question.</p><p>“<em>No</em>,” Ben snapped, and he knew he’d startled her because he felt her knees bump into his ribcage. He tried again, holding back a wince. “Rey, there is <em>nothing</em> you could do that would make me kick you out.”</p><p>This, at least, was an absolute truth.</p><p>“… Not even if I broke your best calligraphy set?”</p><p>“…”</p><p>“Ben?”</p><p>“… Did you?”</p><p>She seemed to shrink into an even smaller ball, and the voice that came out was barely a squeak.</p><p>“Yes.”</p><p>Ben sighed, thinking that he’d have to replace it.</p><p>“No, not even then, Rey.”</p><p>A couple of moments went by, and the duo took their time to gather their thoughts. </p><p>“Ben,” Rey said, suddenly lowering the covers down to her chin. She tilted her head back so she could make eye contact with him. Well, she tried —her eyes shook too much so she wound up focusing on his nose. “What I did… pushing you out, did I… do that?”</p><p>And so, reality caught up with Ben Solo.</p><p>Rey could see it on his face lines, how the question seemed to place a weight on his shoulders. She couldn’t see how, because he was used to her being inquisitive —within the first month of knowing him she’d already found out everything she needed to determine he was not only the cutest guy she knew, but also the <em>coolest</em>. It was why she couldn’t fathom what about this question had troubled him, but by the time she’d blinked again, his expression had changed to one of resignation.</p><p>“You did, Rey,” Ben said, untangling himself from her and sitting up. He waited until Rey had surfaced from her cocoon and was sitting in front of him —pants on, thankfully. Ben ran a hand through his hair. “You are Force-sensitive, just like me. If you were to train, you could be a Jedi just like I was.”</p><p>He could see her drawing theories and conclusions in her head, and he gave her time to adjust to this new information. He took in his old room in the meantime; there were small trinkets scattered throughout his bookshelves, and the curtains were thrown wide open (<em>despite</em> her private moment, which was something Ben had no idea how to brush with Rey). Clothes and shoes were strewn on the floor, and a yellow flower (which Ben did not know the name of) sat in a corner of his desk.</p><p>This room was Rey’s, as much as it was Ben’s.</p><p>While pondering over all this, Rey’s resolve hardened, and she cleared her throat in order to draw his attention back to her. Once she was sure his focus was on her, she met his gaze (unable to help the small blush from forming, thanks to recent events).</p><p>“Please, teach me.”</p><hr/><p>She’s pouring over books.</p><p>He recognizes the layout of Coruscant Library, with its high arches and stained glass. Even though there are countless signs that say ‘Silence in the library’ there’s too many people to watch over, so there are some areas quieter than others.</p><p>Where she’s at, you could hear a needle drop.</p><p>Books are a rarity nowadays, so the older the information is, the more likely it is you won’t find it in a holopad. He doesn’t know what she’s looking for, but there’s that furrow between her brows and lip biting that tells him she’s deeply focused.</p><p>He wants to ask her if he can help.</p><p>He can’t because, again, it’s not possible. He’s not even sure he has a body, but he’s frustrated with the need to tuck that stray hair behind her ear. He wants to kiss her lip, tell her not to worry. That he’s alright with how things turned out.</p><p>“Hey.”</p><p>It’s the Traitor, and even now (years later and knowing she’s <em>his</em> soulmate) he can’t bring himself to like the man.</p><p>She doesn’t reply.</p><p>“Hel<em>lo</em>.”</p><p><em>Go away</em>, he thinks. He’d shout it if he could. As it is, the air doesn’t even stir.</p><p>“Oh, sorry. What’s up?”</p><p>The Traitor looks at the books surrounding her with a suspicious twist of the mouth, but he doesn’t comment on them. He can’t read anything but numbers, anyway.</p><p>Rule number one of slavery: keep them ignorant.</p><p>“Poe and I are leaving now. You coming?”</p><p>She takes a moment to reply, then shakes her head no.</p><p>“I still have things to go over. Go on without me and I’ll catch up.”</p><p>The Traitor isn’t happy with this reply, but he doesn’t seem too surprised either. He just crosses his arms over his chest —he’s not wearing that ridiculous leather jacket anymore. Instead, he wears a gray jacket with pins signaling his achievements during the war.</p><p>“What are you even looking for?” The Traitor whines, which is wholly unbecoming of a Resistance hero. “Maybe we can help you.”</p><p>She sinks into the chair. There are bags under her eyes, and she looks even thinner than usual. For once, her hair is in a half-ponytail, and this tugs at his heartstrings. He knows why this is: she’s not looking to belong anymore. Nowhere, and with no one. When he died, he only thought that she had to live —but neither knew <em>how</em> she’d do so.</p><p>He’s worried about her. He always is.</p><p>He wishes he could kiss her.</p><p>“You wouldn’t.”</p><p>“I would too.”</p><p>“No, you wouldn’t,” she raises her voice, looking up with pained eyes. She won’t be loved with what she’s about to say, but then again, <em>he’s</em> no the belonging she seeks. “I’m looking for a way to bring <em>him</em> back.”</p><p>The Traitor takes half a step back, like he can’t believe his ears. Trying to get a different answer, he asks for clarification. His fingers shake, so he makes a fist and hides them behind his back.</p><p>“Who…?”</p><p>She looks him square in the eye, as always not one to cower from a difficult situation. A breeze sweeps her hair, like someone just opened a window.</p><p>Beside her, a matter-less entity tries to brush her cheek.</p><p>“Ben Solo. I need him back.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I'm not sure if it's worth calling it a TW, because I only thought of it as a terribly embarrassing thing, but just in case: Ben catches Rey mid self-loving. It's non graphic, Ben does not get excited, it's just a horrible accident which might make anyone want to dig a hole to crawl into. If you feel any conflict within Ben (heh) on the subject, it's because let us remember that at fifteen you're acting and looking more like an adult, and it's a situation I think ought to be a little difficult to navigate in Ben's situation. </p><p>Also. Finally, I'm giving out some clues as to what happened to Ben. Huhu. I think it's pretty self-explanatory what happened, but then again, maybe I just read too much isekai. </p><p>Thanks for your wonderful support!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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